Cheers to a NEW year!

Life has been calm. Busy as always but calm. I like busy. I like having things to do. I think it keeps me from remembering any negative in life.

Today I'm just sad so I thought maybe it's the perfect time to update this blog.

It is MY blog after all so therefore I can be sad if I want to be sad.

I love this quote above ^^^^. If you know me, you know I don't attend any church on a regular basis. I pray, I believe in something after this life but I'm not religious for the world to see.

Round TWO of IUI didn't work out. I was bummed but third time is the charm.

Life happens and we just didn't get around to doing IUI the third time. I'd like to say it was top priority but I guess it wasn't. My sweet husband was hunting every weekend, I was busy visiting family in St. George, I got a urinary tract infection and the list goes on....it just never worked out so I kind of took that as a sign that maybe I needed a small break.

I went in for my yearly physical a couple of weeks ago and started telling my family doctor about my cyst that I've had since last spring and how it never went away and my O.B. gave me mixed information and therefore I decided to do the IUI in hopes the cyst/mass would vanish and I would be prego. Just for kicks and giggles she decided to feel around for the cyst.

Oh my PAINFUL!! There it was. She felt it alright. I felt it...the whole world could probably see it poking up through my skin.

Not awesome.

My doctor didn't like this and thought that maybe this lovely cyst was producing it's own hormones and that I really just need to get it taken care of. Worst news ever but ok.

I went in for an ultra sound a couple of days later and sure enough....

8cm in size my cyst is still hanging out on my insides.

I was kind of relieved because I thought this could be good news.

Cyst producing own hormones=bad=why I'm not getting pregnant with the IUI's.

Doctor called later that day to let me know all of my blood work was normal. My hormone levels are normal. I'm normal.

Why? For once I don't want to be normal just to get some dang answers.

Family doctor still thinks I should get cyst removed as it has only become bigger in size.

I had high hopes for 2013 but right now I just don't know what to think....

I made an appointment with another doctor {one that takes my insurance} and that appointment is on Thursday. I can't help but just not feel into the holidays. I just don't why I try to take 3 steps forward and then in turn I take 10 steps backwards.

I get sick of people telling me I'm young. I'm young, yes I know this! Eventually I WON'T be young anymore and will I ever have a child to show for it? I don't know...

My husband isn't fond of the adoption idea. Maybe that's the easy way out of this mess my body has put me in. He told me that he just doesn't know if he would ever be ok with adopting....So if that's what it came down to what do I do? Do I just divorce my sweet understanding husband because he doesn't want kids through adoption but I can't live without children? 

No I don't plan on divorcing Jake but these are all decisions I hate making. I want to be a little kid again & just grab a band aid when I'm hurt. Band aids use to fix everything.

I hate having mixed emotions about life. I hate being sad. I hate being in the funk I'm in. I hate making myself go out and TRYING to have a good time. I just want to enjoy the holidays and be thankful for what I have right now.....

Oh life is so hard sometimes.

So that's my sad, somber, negative update.

Life goes on but sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball to tell me what it is that will make this whole thing RIGHT!

I need to remember this more often!

I recently had a friend tell me that the rumor is I don't like talking to my pregnant friends or people whom are pregnant because they are pregnant & I'm not.

I know LOTS of people who are pregnant. I work with a few everyday....

Are we in first grade?

{You stole my pencil and now I don't have one so I'm not talking to you for 5 minutes}....

Seriously that's how I feel.

Maybe I just want to be sad for myself. Maybe I'm jealous that some people can have babies without even wanting them. Maybe I'm upset that it's easy for some people to have children. It's not easy for me. All I can say is I love babies, I love seeing babies, I love holding babies, I love playing with all children. The world hasn't stopped because I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO HAVE MY OWN. Nothing makes me more happy than playing with all of the babies in my life. I'm so lucky!!

Treat me the way you would want to be treated in this situation.

Don't ask me to be present during your happiness in life if your absent during MY struggle.

That's all.

Here's to hoping 2013 will be a better year for me. I was blessed in 2012 even though I feel like it involved a lot of trials and struggles and all of that not so fun stuff.

I have wonderful friends, wonderful family, I'm able to travel, I have a husband who tries to understand me and my sad days....Here's to hoping 2013 will be full of more love, more laughter and more babies in my life {even if they aren't mine}

Merry Christmas!!!

Support Group

Some of my posts are me ranting and raving about un-supportive people in my life, people who I thought were friends blah, blah, blah....

This has been such a struggle for me because I feel like most of the people in my life only want me around when life is "normal" and I'm doing things for them, planning parties, get togethers, or date nights etc...

I hear about close friends making RUDE comments within our other groups of friends and it frustrates me that they are quick to judge but have NEVER even asked why I feel the way I do so I could explain.

Anyway, I needed to fix this because it's not healthy by all means for myself or my husband who gets to hear about it all of the time. I found a support group that seemed like just what I needed. I was excited to go and meet other women going through my same emotions and feelings as myself. Obviously these are emotions I've NEVER dealt with so cut me some slack people. I'm doing the best I can!

Off to the support group I went. I was pretty nervous. I'm a social butterfly but I don't like to talk about myself {unless I'm blogging lol*} so this scenario was a little intimidating for me. 

In the group there were about 10-13 women who surprisingly have some of the same health issues I have. These women have done their research that's for sure. They were throwing out medical terms that I didn't understand but they did give me some good information on some specialist doctors. I was grateful. These women have tried every possible thing in the book to have a child. Some have gone through IVF several times, some have decided to just give up on the idea of having children, some have taken every medication out there....It was an eye opener!

The stories began and I was intrigued. Some of these women won't even go home for the holidays because they can't stand the though of being around their nieces & nephews. This made me so sad to hear things like that. I can't imagine a life without my nieces and nephews, friends babies or co-workers kiddos. I love them all to pieces. I would never NOT want to see them. My heart would be broken if I didn't have them in my life. One girl had a miscarriage and she was so angry. My heart did break for her. I can't imagine those feelings and I pray that I never have to feel that way but just to listen to her story made me so sad that she has to go through those things and she feels so alone. The stories went on for about 2 hours and each story was different but the same in certain ways. I never spoke, I just listened. I finally gave a brief explanation of what I was going through at the end of the support group & my situation didn't really compare to these women. I guess I don't let this consume my life. It's on my brain everyday but I don't think about it while I'm working or spending time with family. I have bad days and sad days but I deal with them and move on.

What I did learn was that my feelings are SO NORMAL. I'm normal! Yay!!!

I'm in a much better place than these other women....and in a way that makes me really sad for them but for myself that makes me feel so much better and I've been happier and in a much better mood since this experience. I am so grateful I had the opportunity to meet these ladies. I wish I could make them all feel better about their situation but I can't. I don't think I will be attending the group again but I'm crossing my fingers that they are all in a better place the next time they meet.

For now-I'll keep hoping for a miracle and trying to keep my positive attitude on things.

I'm dealing with things my way & that's all I can do. I can't expect those people in my life to be around during my struggle. Some days it sucks....some days my feelings are hurt and I want to scream and yell at them BUT I can't. I don't have control over them so I can't expect them to be involved. I'm doing the best I can and that's all that matters.

The holidays are coming up. I'm so excited. Can't wait to decorate for Halloween this weekend. My very best friend moved back to Utah from Texas and I am over the moon with excitement. Good things are happening all around me and they are happening on their own time. Can't ask for much more right?

Round One Down.....

We tried our first round of IUI on Sept. 7th.

{If your not familiar with that click on the link and you can read more about it.}

I was pretty nervous but I had a few close people cheering me on so that made things a bit easier. My hubby took the morning off to be with me. He's such a sweetheart!

We got to the doctor's office with our "goods" and nobody was there. I was in sheer panic. Just my luck.

I found an open door to a lab and asked them to page the doctor.

The doctor soon after opened the door with a smiling face and asked, "Did you think I forgot about you?"

Uhhh yes just for a minute.

We waited in a small room for what seemed like forever. The doc came in and can I just say he's amazing. He remembered me. He was my second opinion doctor that DOESN'T take my insurance but is willing to do the IUI's for me and he remembered me and everything I've been through with other doctors. He remembered how severe the Endometriosis is and he was so understanding. The procedure took less than 5 minutes. Quick but not painless....

I was super sick the rest of the day. I'm not talking a little cramping here and there. I'm talking EXHAUSTED to the point that I couldn't keep my eyes open, cramps from hell and sick to my stomach. I was pretty bummed because I wasn't expecting to feel that way and from what I read online, it's not a normal feeling. Anyway, hubs went back to work and I laid around all day.

Then the waiting began.....

I was hopeful it worked and even felt different after the procedure so I was sure something awesome was happening but it didn't. I took 2 pregnancy tests and both were negative and then I started not to long after that & my lovely cycle came back with a vengeance....

So bummed but my hopes were still high.

We just did our second round of IUI yesterday and this time the doctor gave me Progesterone to try. I'm not a fan of reading information on the Internet. I feel like this is the worst place to get info but I just don't like reading about this kind of stuff online. So I asked the doctor to explain what Progesterone does and now I fully understand and am crossing my fingers it helps.

This is an emotional process but I feel like I'm in a better place as of lately for some reason.

It makes me laugh when the people in my life we consider close friends or relatives find out what we are doing and their words are, "Oh my gosh. I didn't know you were doing that. Let me know how it goes...."

I guess I find it funny because the last thing I'm going to do is call EVERYONE I know and give them the latest gossip on my life. If your involved in my struggle at all then you will know what's going on. If you don't take the time to ask then chances are you won't know. Simple as that. I don't give my personal information unless you want to know.

But I'm dealing with that whole situation better and truly finding out who's important to me. I'm not letting it bother me as much and I've learned that I can feel my way and they can feel their way. If they want to be involved at all then they know how to reach me. If they don't make attempts or make excuses then that's their loss. I would never ever ever ask anyone I'm close to to keep ME updated on their struggle. I would never expect to put that burden on them. If you need me just call me....Chances are that person won't ever call you during their struggle because they don't want to burden those close to them.

This is a crazy world we live in. I'm sad I've had to learn some life lessons the hard way but at the same time I'm grateful because I think I needed to learn who to trust and who to give my time to. I needed to learn to be better at saying NO to certain people and as hard as it is sometimes, a lot of good has come out of this situation I'm in.

So...here's to round #2 working. Crossing my fingers, eyes, toes and anything else that can be crossed.

Not Me.....

The past few months have flown by. We’ve been so busy with weekend vacations, family parties, birthdays and life in general that I feel like summer is gonzo….I’m kind of bummed. I didn’t get much pool time/sunshine in. It’s been a good summer. Busy but wonderful. I of course have been on a roller coaster of emotions. You know the up down all around roller coaster? I’ve tried to relax a bit more and just take life for what it is but this past month I’ve been super anxious. It drives me crazy because I feel like I can’t just sit down and be calm. I feel like I need to be on the go constantly. Otherwise I’m a MESS. My attitude…oh wow…let’s not even go there. My husband probably wants to high five me in the face with a chair. Let’s just say I’ve been overly SHORT with everyone in the world. My temper is set off by the smallest things.

We went on vacation in July and came back to some unanswered questions. My doctor has been so back & forth about what she thinks I should do with the mass growing inside me. She finally came to the conclusion that she wants my fertility doctor to operate on me with the hope that he can preserve my ovaries or fallopian tubes. That’s great news except I don’t have an extra $15,000 to give him to perform the surgery so that’s out of the question. My doctor seemed a bit unsure about doing another surgery and really seemed like she wasn’t up for the task. She’s worried she cannot salvage my ovaries or fallopian tube. She’s not even sure what’s growing inside me. She thought it was a tumor, a cancerous tumor that should be removed and then she actually LOOKED at my surgery records and decided that it could just be an adhesion from the Endometriosis. Thank you kind doctor for actually reviewing my records. So sweet of you. J

Well, at this point I was frustrated. Weird I know. That’s all I’ve been is frustrated. So I decided to get a second opinion. My sister in law recommended her OB doctor so I gave him a shot and guess what?  I LOVED HIM. He was straight to the point, told me he has no reason to believe my mass is cancerous so I shouldn’t worry about that at this time and he’s not sure why my doctor thinks she can’t just drain the cyst/mass/tumor/whatever it is. He told me adhesion's are odd shaped. Not round and what’s growing inside of me is round and a bit smaller than a tennis ball. Not pleasant but it’s not harming me that I know of. This doctor rocked. He explained things in my language and made me feel so much more comfortable. He gave me some great advice and when I left his office I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Who knows if the option he gave me will work but we shall see. I don’t want to jinx myself. Too bad this doctor doesn’t take my insurance. I’d really like to switch doctors at this point. I left his office feeling calm and at peace. Crazy right? I was so thankful for the information he gave me and the things he explained to me.

Now I get to wait some more. I feel like I’m always waiting for a miracle. While I’ve been “waiting” I’ve really drove myself crazy with different emotions. If you know me you know that I’m a care taker. I take care of everyone and everything. I want to get certain things done and over with in a timely manner…always! I like to have control of certain situations. I love to plan parties, get togethers with friends & family, vacations etc…I’m always the planner in any group. I like to have plans. I always have and now my plans are up in the air so it’s no wonder that I’m having a tough time relaxing. I made the decision the other night to fix my emotions. I don’t know if it’s possible. I’m sure people who have babies, are pregnant or have deadly diseases may read this blog and think I’m crazy that I’m making such a big deal out of this and to those people I say…QUIT READING MY BLOG THEN. Everybody has issues in life. Bad things happen to good people. This is the bad in my life for now and I’m trying my hardest to change it but it’s not happening so therefore I’m frustrated. Just for now…..things will get better. I have faith…..

For the past year I’ve been to several doctors, had millions of ultra sounds that end in bad news, spent A LOT OF money and have nothing to show…heck I haven’t even been able to try & get pregnant through the fertility clinic yet. I just keep giving them money and they keep turning me away. I have my doctor in one ear telling me that if I’m not going to get pregnant then I need to go back on birth control or something similar. I know people getting prego left & right and moving on with their chapter in life and I’m just stuck. I’m not moving forward, infact I feel like I’m moving backwards most days. To the people who make the excuse, “I don’t know how you feel so therefore I just don’t understand. Sorry,”…….. to hell with you! You don’t need to understand to be supportive. You don’t need to understand to ask what’s going on. You don’t need to understand to recognize that maybe I need a little extra support at this time in my life. Why should I have to ask people to be there for me? I'm not going to ever call those people and ask them to meet up with me to "support me" in my time of struggle. In a time of struggle you expect the people that matter most to always be there for you making that extra effort to be supportive but I often feel it’s the complete opposite. Funny how that works but this struggle my husband & I have been going through has helped show people’s true colors and taught me that I need to be more guarded of who I trust and who I am ALWAYS there for. I’m definitely making some changes. I can honestly say that I can count on one hand the people that are involved in my struggle. I am blessed to have a handful of people that do care and want to know how things are going. I don’t know what I would do without those people. I’m blessed to know a few people who really would do anything for me or my husband if needed. I’m blessed to have the family that we have & the happiness in our life for now. I know things will happen for a reason and I’m trying to be patient

I have an option and I’m crossing fingers, toes and eyes that this option works but in the mean time I need to get my emotions in check. It’s not healthy for me, it’s not healthy for my husband, my family or my friends. I’m dealing with each emotion the best I know how but I’ve NEVER felt the way I do so it makes it tough some days. I wish more people took the time to ask or try to understand those feelings instead of gossiping that I’m not dealing with them the right way or whatever they think. I’m dealing with each emotion as it comes. Sometimes I’m pissed off, sometimes I’m super happy, sometimes I’m sad….don’t judge me unless you fully understand my reasons behind my actions. It’s like the big elephant in the room. I heard a quote the other day that said, “They ignore you now but they will need you later. That’s just how it goes.” Isn’t that the truth & guess what? When those people need me someday I will be there because that’s just who I am. So true in my life right now…..I’m always the care taker, the planner, the gatherer, the helper & now I need everyone in my life & I don’t have the motivation to do ANY OF THOSE THINGS & it’s hard for me to not feel like myself. Disappointed is an understatement.

I came across this web site http://resolve.org/ in search of some way to deal with my emotions and feeling let down by others. There were a few posts regarding emotional stress. After reading it, it was nice to know I’m NOT crazy and that my feelings are completely normal. Yay for being a normal infertile person. I also found a support group close to my house that meets once a month. WHAT? Other women who have the same issue and same emotions and feelings as I do? This is wonderful news {not in a sick twisted way but more of a…FINALLY someone who understands the ups and downs of this mess!!!} I’m so excited to go to that group and meet some new friends. I always LOVE new friends.

So, I’m crossing my fingers the month of September will be better for me. Hopefully I can sort out some of my feelings and learn to deal with people in a better manner and without so much anger or hurt or feeling betrayed. I’m just not myself and therefore I’m anxious because I don’t feel like ME. I hate not feeling like ME. I also found a counselor who can maybe help me understand why I’m not ME right now & how to deal with everything thrown my way. As much as I try to be ME, I think it just makes things worse because I’m ignoring the bigger picture in my life right now…..I can’t wait until I can look back at everything and just be at peace with every decision, crying session, angry moment and sadness…..For now I will do whats best for me and if that offends anyone then I apologize in advance but it’s time for me to take care of ME. It’s time for me to do some things for myself and make some big changes and if that involves me telling anyone NO then so be it. I can’t be superwoman, I can’t save the world and it’s OBVIOUS I can’t make everyone happy because in the end those people I try to please and be there for won’t always be there for me so it’s time to make myself happy instead….

This is a temporary situation and emotional time. One way or another we will figure things out. That I'm sure of! In the mean time I'm going to go ahead and deal with my emotions my way and hopefully better myself. Again, don't judge.....just let it be....

GoOd TiMeS!

Hi! I was just reading over this blog and it's so boring. All I do is gripe on here....I swear I have a normal life, well as normal as it can be. My hubby & I have tons of fun together. The 4th of July is our FAVORITE holiday and this year did not disappoint. We had our annual Tank War party at my in laws with some good food and even better company & then we went to our hometown carnival with our good friends. The firework show rocked & we can't wait until next year to do it all over again!

The kiddos getting ready for some tank wars

Lots of smoke!

My cute friend Jacque who just married our good friend Rod!

Love them both.

-The tank war aftermath-

My brother in law thought he was the winner but I think my cute husband actually won.

I love this picture above! It cracks me up.

Cute boys being posers

 Our hometown carnival

See-I do have a normal life even though this blog allows me to gripe as much as I want. This is where most of my frustration comes out. I've always been a better writer than a speaker anyway.

I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago. It's never good news and Jake tells me I need to just quit going. He's obviously joking but we always hope for some good news and it's never good news so we laugh because at this point we of course expect the worse.

My cyst has been hanging out since January. Usually cysts come and go but where this one has not, the doctor wants to do some cervical & ovarian cancer testing. Not what I wanted to hear but I'll take it with a smile...I guess??? What else do you do?

So after we do that testing in a couple of weeks, if it comes back negative then I can have the fertility clinic just drain the cyst. If it comes back positive then I don't really know what we will do. My doctor set another surgery date for August to have the cyst removed but that was more of a pre-caution expecting the worse hoping for the best.

For now we wait some more. Always waiting but I've been busy so that makes me happy. I have great friends who are willing to keep me entertained and we are going on vaca next week and I'm super excited!

Crossing our fingers for SOME kind of good news this month.

The Chosen One.....

Here I am!

It's been awhile.

The month of April was a bit overwhelming for me. I thought we were on the right track to knowing the answer to our infertility questions but I thought wrong. I have a cyst who has decided to make a home on my left ovary. It won't go away. Sometimes it's only 3 cm. Sometimes it's 5 cm. Today it's 5. I had ANOTHER follow up ultra sound to see if anything had changed. It hadn't, therefore I still can't go ahead with the insemination. I'm a little confused. My OBGYN doctor is confused and the Endocrinologist doctor just wants me to fork out the money to do IVF.

Actually let me rephrase this...."it would be in my best interest to go ahead with IVF and my chances of becoming pregnant are higher by doing IVF."

So I went ahead and found out more information on cost. It's expensive. Who in the world has $20,000 to just throw around not knowing if what you decide is even a guarantee for you? If I pay someone this godly amount of money will I have a baby? Why do I have to be the one to pay someone to help me have a baby? Why is it so hard for me and for others it's nothing? The great news was that if I didn't get a "take home baby" then I would get 70% of my money back. Sounds perfect right?? I feel like a lab rat at this point. I don't know what the right decision is. I've asked a few people their opinions and I've had different answers every time. Some say that I will regret it if I don't at least try the IVF. Others say they would adopt in a heart beat. I guess in the end it's really just OUR decision and at this point I don't even know what that is.
My mind is going at 100 miles an hour and I can't seem to find the answers.

I had a good friend tell me the other day that I'm indecisive.
I didn't take this rude, but it made me think. I need to make a decision. I'm indecisive about what to eat for lunch on a daily basis. You think trying to have a baby the hard way is an easy decision? Ha not in my book. The money my husband and I will have for IVF will be the only money we have and that will only be for one try. If it doesn't work then what do I do? Save for years just to adopt? We are 2 very normal people living in this crazy world, we work full time jobs, we are great with our finances but we don't really have money to just save. We live a good life. I won't deny that. We go to dinner, we go do fun things, we take trips occasionally {by trips I mean weekend getaways to my Mom's}. Sure we could save all of that money and quit living for a while in order to accomplish this battle but I'm already miserable trying to make these decisions so it doesn't seem fair that I give up any normal part of my life just to save $15 dollars here or $7.00 there.

My doctor tells me I'm running out of time. Everyone I meet tells me I have my whole life to have children. They don't understand the reason I'm running out of time. I'm 26 years old. Yep, I'm young. Yep, I have my whole life but each cycle I have monthly makes the Endometriosis grow more and more and I need to avoid that if at all possible otherwise I will be in the operating room awaiting a hysterectomy. 

Lately I feel like I'm not on the same page as our friends. I feel like we've made choices to move forward in our life and yet we are standing still. I feel like everyone around us is running circles and we are stuck in a rut. It's frustrating. It's frustrating that those people just don't understand. I'm grateful they don't because I wouldn't wish this on anyone but it's hard to know that they are able to keep plugging along, living life, not having to make life changing decisions and here I am, confused, mad, sad some days & more frustrated than ever.