Feeling normal again......

I honestly can’t remember what normal feels like. This past year has been super crazy & with my surgery, the meds and everything else, I don’t remember what it feels like to just be me. The shot should be wearing off by now, should mostly be out of my system but unfortunately I’ve been dealing with the awful side effects like crazy. MAJOR headaches, hot flashes and horrid night sweats. I have noticed that my mood has been better. I have a lot more patience with people than I have for the past 5 months or so & that makes me happy. I have been reading online about the Lupron shot & how your body should react when you’re not taking the shot any longer and it seems like from everything I read that I should be feeling normal by now but the side effects are worse than when I was on the shot. I’ve been dealing with them and just let them pass. I hate not being able to sleep through the night though. The night sweats are insane and constantly waking me up. I was exhausted a couple of weeks ago and the headaches were unbearable but this week has been better I think. Thank goodness. Each day is easier and each day I do feel a little better.

I called the doc for more information & pretty much all they could tell me was that once my cycle comes back then I will know the medicine is completely out of my system….So once again I wait but I’m just enjoying these last few weeks without a cycle, although I am kind of excited to have a cycle again because I should feel much better during that time. The surgery last year should have helped with the pain I was in so we shall see.

There are lots more people I know that are prego. Still kind of depressing but my time will come I hope. I have to have patience and that’s something I’ve been lacking for the past year it seems. For now I get all my lovin in on my friend’s babies and co-workers babies. They literally make my day when I get to cuddle them or play with them or make them laugh. It makes me feel better & that might sound weird but I just love all of the babies in my life & really do cherish the time I get to spend with any of them.

My hubby & I have a lot to look forward to this year. We have a lot of small weekend getaways planned, parties to plan, Sunday dinners with our great friends, our anniversary, our best friends wedding & enjoying the summertime as much as possible. I have no idea what this year will bring but I’m blessed to have the family & friends that we do and look forward to a year of happiness & only good luck.  

Let It Be...

Well, I had shot #3 a few weeks ago. I’m half way to the end and can I just say that I’m being rather impatient. My very best friend in the whole world asked me to go to Hawaii with her. She was helping her Dad work but really wanted to spend a week with me. We’ve never done a big trip like that so we figured why not. We are both young, my husband’s more than understanding that I LOVE to travel the world AND we don’t have kids so why not Hawaii? It was pretty spontaneous but I was able to go. I took the time off work {love my job and co-workers for being there for me when they know I need a break} and I was on my way. It was an amazing 11 days. I had no schedule, nowhere to be, no e-mails to answer, no lingering voice mails on my work phone. I was excited to sit on the beach and ponder life and all I’ve been through this past year. The beach is the best place to “think.” The ocean is peaceful. I woke up to the sound of the ocean on a daily basis, sat outside and drank the most delicious coffee imaginable and watched the waves roll in. I had some much needed girl time with my BFF, we tried some new foods, we laughed, we learned how to body board {which I absolutely LOVE} and we watched the honeymoon couples enjoy each other’s company, predicting what the rest of their lives would be like. It truly was paradise. No complaints….although I did miss my hubby {so much}.

Right before I left I had my third Lupron shot. I’m a pro by now that’s for sure. The hot flashes are increasing {as if they couldn’t get any worse} but they are just part of my daily routine. I think my mood has been better and relaxing 11 days on the beach gave me lots of time to put things into perspective. Lately I feel like I’m running out of time. I know I’m young and most people don’t actually begin trying to have babies until they hit their late 20’s or even 30 but when someone tells you that you CAN’T have babies, it makes you want that even more. I’ve been reading a lot about Endometriosis and the good and bad and everywhere I read women have at least one miscarriage before actually being able to carry a baby full term and most women have to use in vetro {IVF} to get pregnant. I hate not knowing the unknown. I’m really worried that this is going to turn into a process that I’m not ready to handle. I don’t think I’m strong enough to go through things like that. I’m tough but when I’m emotionally burned out then I’m done. That’s it, no going back. I know I’m getting ahead of myself by thinking the negative but it’s really hard to keep positive some days.

I hate talking to my husband about it even though it’s on my mind every single day. I don’t want to be the downer in the room every day and it really doesn’t bring me down every day. Some days are worse than others, it’s just on my mind every day. Everyone I’ve ever known is still pregnant or had their babies. I see people from high school on Facebook and they all have babies and some are already on their 2^nd and 3^rd. It gets depressing knowing that I can’t have that RIGHT NOW or maybe ever. What if I can’t ever carry a baby or what if I can’t even get pregnant? There’s a ton of other choices to becoming a Mom and I know that but the thought of NOT being able to have babies on my own is slightly frustrating. I’m not getting any younger. The other day before I left for Hawaii I had said something to Jake, my husband and he said maybe “he” knew that you have unfinished business here like taking a vacation with your very best friend. I’m assuming he was referring to God as “he.” I didn’t ask because he’s not a religious person by all means. I just let it be. I remind myself daily that there’s reasoning behind all of it and just when I think I have come to terms with all of it…BAM, I get sad & stressed out again. Ohhh the joys of being a woman. So while in Hawaii my best friend and I wanted tattoos. We found the perfect one….in small writing it just says Let it be…..Simple and corny maybe but it describes my life perfectly. We didn’t end up getting the tattoo because like everything else in Hawaii the tattoo artist wanted to charge us an outrageous amount for something so simple and small but I will be looking into other tattoo shops around my area and I will get his on my foot. Let it be…..That’s all for now.



Hot Flashes + Mood Swings = Being a woman sucks!

The hot flashes and mood swings have been more intense than ever. Is this a sign that the medication is working or is this a sign that I'm going through all of this for no reason? Only time will tell but I'm sick of waiting. I'm the most impatient person on the planet when it comes to my life and my body etc....If something is wrong I want to know how to fix it immediately.


My hot flashes come on about every 30 minutes. Let me rephrase this...they are not hot flashes, more like HOT SWEATS. My back is like a pool of water. Not fun. I think I MIGHT attempt to try to the "add-back" pill one more time. The last time I took it, I felt crappy all day. Maybe I'll try again this weekend and see what it does for me.


I will be on my third shot of Lupron next week. Time passes quickly in a way but my last shot won't be until December and it feels so far away. My mood has been about the same. I can feel myself getting angry in certain situations and I have to try my best to keep calm. Do I sound crazy yet? I feel crazy. Certain people irritate me more than others and I don't even want to be around them as often. This makes me sad because the holidays are approaching and I want to be my happy, easy going, social butterfly self. I often feel like people are being short with me because I'm being short with them or I've offended certain people with my emotions and they don't know how to tell me. I'm sorry to those that read this and that I have offended. Truth be told...I can't control what comes out of my mouth at the moment. I try and try and the more I try the more angry I get. This isn't who I am.

My husband reminds me everyday that this is all for a good cause. I'm still trying to come to terms with that but I think for the most part I've come to terms with the fact that THIS IS MY LIFE right now and I can either be angry and pissed off about it or I can suck it up and deal with it. Obviously when I write posts like this it sounds like I'm being a big cry baby, BUT I just want to remember this part of my life because it's sure changed my outlook on a lot of things....And I'd rather type on the computer than write in a journal.

Did I mention next week I will be in paradise with my best friend? Hawaii is calling my name and I'm ready for a much needed relaxing getaway in my most favorite spot. The hubs will be hunting because it is that time of year and I'm bummed it didn't work out so that he could come along but I can't deny the fact that I'm really excited to get away from LIFE for a bit and give my mind a break.

Round #2 of Lupron

I began my second round of Lupron on August 5^th. These past few weeks have been very rough for me and for my body. What started out to be a great thing has now turned into something evil. I can only hope it’s worth it in the end. The hot flashes have become unbearable at times and of course they come on when I’m getting ready for work or to be somewhere. They waste 5-10 minutes out of my life. I can handle those though. It’s my mood that’s getting to me lately. I’m pretty much irritated everyday all day. At work sometimes I feel like I’m going to lose it at any minute and get fired from job because of my actions. As weird as it sounds I really have no control over my emotions and when I tell myself I’m overreacting I get even more angry and then it turns into this emotional roller coaster and I can’t even stand myself most of the time.

I know I’ve snapped at my friends too and I feel really bad. Even when I’m not trying to be mean I sound mean so it’s pretty much a lose/lose situation for me either way. My husband has got the worst of it though….He’s tough and tries to remind me that it’s not so bad but some days I really feel like a crazy person. Just the other day I was cooking in the kitchen and literally felt like I needed to be admitted to a mental hospital. I was shaking, I couldn’t hold still, I was so angry I couldn’t even think and it got worse as the minutes passed. Ohhh what a journey I’ve been on so far. I know my body needed this break and I hope in the end something good will come out of this but on days likes these I just want to give up and not take any more medicine. Depression has been an issue too. Some days are better than others but some days I feel like I have this horrible life when in reality I LOVE my life and everybody in my life. I love my family and friends and I couldn’t be more blessed. They are amazing people and I’ve been so lucky to be able to do the things I have done.

I’m still a little envious of those cute pregnant Mom’s out there and when I’m around our good friends that just had a baby, it makes me sad that our kids won’t be the same age and that I’m not sharing those same moments with my kids right now but I guess this was my plan in life. I’m not religious by all means. I believe what I believe but I also know that everything does happen for a reason and it just wasn’t my time to have babies I guess. So I think I’ve come to terms with that and now I’m focusing on getting my body back to normal and giving it a much needed break from my horrible monthly cycle. J  Plus our other really great friends are getting married next year and are going to try and have a baby so here’s to hoping our kiddos are the same age and very close in age to our friends with the new baby boy.

I sound like a big huge complainer right now. I hate sounding like that. I’m not a complainer. I very rarely voice my feelings or opinions but this is my space to do that so I guess I’m entitled to do that once in a while. J So that’s that.

Week #3

Hot flashes aren't my thing so I've discovered. Mood swings aren't either. This past week my hot flashes were insane. I felt like I had 400 a day. They come and go and I'm so thankful for that but they are a pain. I had a few night sweats last week also. I woke up sweating like crazy and had no blankets on and a t-shirt and p.j. shorts. I wasn't excited about those but I'm glad they only lasted a minute or so.....

Mood swings have been a pain. I was feeling down and depressed and now I'm feeling annoyed of everything and everyone. I think my hubby gets the worst of it because he's with me everyday. I feel bad but it's really hard to control your emotions when it's the medicine doing the talking. I try really hard to think before I speak but lately I've been flat out mean sometimes. Poor guy! I owe him big time for putting up with my cranky butt. I've also noticed I have the "I'm over it" attitude. I do nice things for people & feel like they take advantage of that. Maybe I'm just noticing these small things more than I usually do because I really enjoy making people happy. Lately I feel like I give and give and want everyone to be happy and know that they are cared about and then when it comes down to it nobody is there for me....

Dang mood swings anyway. I have to go back in for another shot on the 7th. I feel ok about it for now. I've been extremely lucky and haven't even needed the add back pill which helps with the hot flashes and things like that. Maybe I should take it but I hate medicine anyway so I will probably stay away from it for now. If I get unbearable with myself then I'll take it. I'm hoping this medicine is working though. I hope my body is enjoying the break. I had some light spotting last week and that was kind of a pain but nothing major. Next month my menstrual cycle should completely stop and then my body can really get the break it needs. I hope the next 6 months are worth it in the end....time will tell but if I'm doing this for nothing, just to be opened up again next year and have more surgery then I'm not going to be a happy camper. I'm sure of that!

Week #2 of Lupron

Going on week #2 of the Lupron shot. I've been feeling pretty good actually. I have had a few minor headaches, some dizzy spells and a not so great appetite but other than that I'm feeling ok. This weekend has been rough though. I feel like I'm headed back in to depression mode. Nothing fits me, every picture I took all weekend was ridiculous, I'm white as a ghost and I'm mad at the world. I hate that feeling! It's super frustrating when you know that those things aren't true and yet you can't control it.

I've heard myself snap at people for no reason....I hate doing that. I don't like feeling like I can't control my emotions. I don't like being hard on myself and the last time I took birth control this is exactly how I felt. So I guess we shall see. I'm taking it one day at a time but I sure hope this is a minor side effect and not a long lasting side effect because if I have to feel like this everyday I will be one very unhappy person for 6 months {literally} and we don't want that! Thank God for my friends and family. That's all!

Round #1 of Meds

I went to the doctor last week. I had lots of questions and was at a loss about what I should do. I started reading about the Lurpon that she wanted me to take and it scared me off. Completely scared me off....The side effects I read about were awful. So horrible I quit reading. I'm a tough girl and can handle the normal headaches, cramping, nausea etc..but the things I read about were memory loss, blurred vision, random acts of violence {ok that's made up but it might as well have said that lol}. Durastic mood changes, depression {which already runs my family}. So I went to the doctor and basically asked what my options were. Her answer was this....
1. Take the Lupron
2. Get a hysterectomy

Ok, so I guess I don't have many options. I then asked her what stage of Endo I was in and she said their are 4 stages and although she doesn't like to use the stages, stage 4 is the worst and I'm beyond that stage. Perfect! Just what I wanted to hear. She asked me to come over to her computer so she could explain the picture of my insides to me one more time {apparently I wasn't coherent the day of my surgery and remember very little about her explanation...go figure}. So she started explaining. My ovaries, fallopian tubes, bowels and all of that lovely junk were glued to my Uterus. You can't see an ending or a beginning to my Uterus...just Endometriosis. That's all. After seeing that picture it made up my mind quick. My doctor said, "If I told you that you had cancer would you take the meds to get better no matter what??" Of course I would, that was a given and her answer to that was, "Well I'm telling you that this is your only option before this gets even worse and you have to have a hysterectomy or start having other problems with your bowels and what not."

Decision made. Give me the shot and I'll deal with the side effects as they come. So in came the nurse with the shot that she had to give to me in my hip {more like my butt but she said hip}. I'm not a fan but hey I'll do what I gotta do. She warned me the side effects probably wouldn't be pleasant and I would start feeling them within 24 hours. Great...just in time for my weekend.

Well I'm happy to report the only side effect I've had for 5 days now has been a slight headache through out each day, slight nausea when I don't eat 3 meals a day or I go a long period without eating and a few hot flashes here and there. This medicine will put my body into menopause to stop my menstrual cycles and help clear up any other Endo that might be lingering in my body. Since I haven't been able to get pregnant I'm guessing there's still a large amount lingering around in there. I asked the doctor how I would know if it's working...she said you will hopefully be pain free. I don't even know what pain free means. I don't know what's normal and whats abnormal pain. Honestly...the pain I feel every month is normal to me. I deal with it and move on. It's a pain but it is what it is right? So we shall see. She said after I take 6 rounds of this medication {6 months} I will need to start trying to get pregnant and if I am unsuccessful after 6 months of trying then she will need to go back in and do another surgery. Just what I wanted to hear......NOT! So let's cross our fingers that the next 6 months are filled with no side effects other than a minor headache every now and then and a clean bill of health.....