Life Before Surgery

When I found out that I may have to have surgery I was kind upset but so glad that someone had actually found the problem. Like I've said, I realize there are bigger issues in the world. Thank God I don't have something life threatening and I feel for those people who do have life threatening illnesses. I honestly can't imagine going through treatments and keeping a positive outlook on life. It amazes me to hear survival stories and to watch people I've cared about go through those horrible things. But to want something and not be able to have it is also life changing. It's frustrating. It's a let down....To hear a doctor say, "Your probably going to struggle with infertility so be prepared," is kind of hard on the heart.

My feelings were pretty up and down about the whole situation and I began to distance myself from my husband in the beginning. I remember thinking that maybe this was a sign that not being pregnant was a blessing in disguise, that I had bigger dreams to take care of in life before I had a family. I remember feeling like I needed to just run away somewhere far & be all by myself for the duration of life. Silly thoughts I know but that's how I felt. I really felt that this was a sign for the reasons I couldn't ever get pregnant before all of this came about. I have a lot I want to do in my life and for me this was the BIG FLASHING LIGHTS that I needed to do those things.

I went with my very best friend to Texas to visit our other very best friend. We had tons of fun. We went out, we partied, we met new friends, we shopped, we laughed...it was a much needed break. I loved being there with the two of them because I can always just be myself around them. I don't have to hide my feelings, I don't have to explain things to them, they just understand and sometimes they don't ask questions and that's ok. Sometimes they just know that I need a good laugh. I love having friends like that. Texas was great and I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to go back to reality. I didn't want to deal with life's real issues at the moment.....but I did.

After that, I had my surgery and having my husband care enough to be at my surgery really made me happy {like I said before, he's not emotional at all and takes a lot of pride in being at work. He hasn't called in sick once in like 7 or 8 years}. After surgery we just became closer. It's weird how things work out but I felt calm that this was the life I chose and even though people have their ups and downs it doesn't mean that you should run every time there is a down. Part of marriage is working on the marriage all the time. I guess in the midst of my issues I forgot that and was being pretty selfish. I can still conquer my dreams being in the situation that I'm in. Unfortunately now I have more thing to conquer and that's ok with me. It's a challenge and this girl always loves a good challenge. Things were great & I was more than happy with that. He's all for going through this roller coaster with me and although he doesn't always say what I need to hear....he's learning. Ha Ha He's truly a huge sweetheart and I love him so much!

{Struggles}

I had my surgery on April 11th. Going in I was terrified but tried very hard to just be tough. My Mom was planning on coming with me and I had told my hubby to go to work because there was nothing he could do but wait at the hospital. So on April 11th I woke up to get ready. My husband woke up to get ready for work and the first words out of his mouth were, "I can't go to work. I have to go with you." Sweetest thing ever...I didn't let him see me tear up but it calmed me to hear him say that {if you know my husband you know he has very LITTLE emotion so this must have been eating away at him all night}. Anyway, I grabbed my blanket and off we went {yes my blanket. I needed something from home to keep me sain for the day}.

My Mom use to work at the hospital where I was having my surgery so she knew the nurses and medical assistants and that made it easier. Everybody I met was amazing. Super nice, tried to make me feel comfortable. The guy who put in my i.v. rocked. He was my favorite and I was bummed he couldn't come to surgery with me. He made jokes the whole time and made things easy. What a relief. They wheeled me off to surgery & gave me those awesome meds that knock you out. I woke up and I don't remember seeing anyone but I remember asking my hubby if I could go home now? He said, "No they had to cut you open. I'm sorry." I was in tears but quickly fell asleep. I knew that wasn't a good thing. After a while...maybe it was a few minutes, I really don't know but they wheeled me to my room. In honor of my lovely drugs I guess I asked the nurse if I could have a room with a view of the pool. She laughed I'm sure. I remember my husband telling me that I couldn't have a room with a view of the pool because there aren't pools at hospitals but that I could have a room with a view of the mountains. I was not happy about that.

I don't remember to much about my hospital visit. The meds were awful. I hate taking meds and refused to take anything for the pain on the second day. I decided I'm not a fan of hospitals. The beds are uncomfortable and I had the most obnoxious medical assistant every night. He would come in and flip on the light as if it wasn't 1:00 a.m. His voice made me want to scream. I'm sure in "real life" he's a great person but at the end of the day I wanted to be left alone. My Dad came to the hospital every day. He was there every morning and stayed all day until someone else showed up. My little sister was also great and hung out. I don't know what I would have done without my Dad there. He is a man of few words but that was his way of showing he cared and it meant so much to me. My husband unfortunately works construction and doesn't get paid for his days off so it was hard for him to be with me 24/7. I wasn't mad, I was just glad my Dad was there. My Mom had to go back to work but I'm so thankful she was with me when I went into the hospital. She's my rock and one of my best friends. She calms me and makes me feel better. I'm so blessed to have amazing parents.

The doctor came in and gave me this God awful picture of my insides. She told me that when she went in for the simple procedure through my belly button she seen so much Endometriosis that it was impossible for her to treat me that way. Therefore she cut me open in three separate places. My ovaries, fallopian tubes, bowels and other organs were basically glued to my Uterus. She told me that my insides looked like that of a Cancer patient. Lovely! She had to separate all of my girl parts and put in a membrane to separate everything. She told me I basically had three options. #1 birth control, #2 have a baby {or try some more} #3 Lupron {a drug that tricks your body into menopause for a short time}. The doctor also told me that if I am able to have children I will need to have them a year apart & eventually have a hysterectomy. So much information and I was so frustrated. I remember all of my friends came to visit me in the hospital and they were so kind and brought me the most beautiful flowers and treats but inside I just wanted everyone to leave so I could cry.

When your younger, in high school you don't think you will have to make these decisions. I was frustrated that I even had to go through this. I figured it would be a simple procedure & I would be out the door. Now I was looking at 6 weeks off of work and a healing process and decisions and frustrations and infertility and anger and all sorts of negative thoughts. I was not excited......The next few days in the hospital were so horrible. The staff was amazing but laying in bed and trying to get up to go to the restroom or take walks or anything was just exhausting. I wouldn't take the pain meds because they made me feel worse. Going home was the greatest day ever. I have never been so excited to be in my home and take a shower and eat real food and sleep in MY bed. My little sister took care of me for a couple of days. She rocks. My husband was amazing and cooked and cleaned and basically did everything for me because for once in my life I was on strict bed rest. Something I'm NOT a fan of by the way.

Those 6 weeks were so long. I started to enjoy my time off and started feeling better but it didn't make the negative go away. I would cry for no reason at all...or maybe I had my reasons and I just chose to ignore them. I had so many decisions to make and I didn't know what was right or wrong. Of course I want to be a Mom. I've always LOVED children and I would love to be a Mom someday but was now the time? My body went through a major surgery. Should I let it rest? I was at a loss and extremely frustrated.........

The Beginning....

For several years I've had the worst menstrual cycles. They are horrible, but I've learned to deal with the pain and was told by several doctors that as I got older they would get better or as I had children the pain would lessen. Well, I went with my gut instinct and found a doctor who would help diagnose me with an actual disease rather than the excuse of, "your young, it will get better with time." Frankly, that excuse made me angry. I knew my body, I knew that what I felt every month wasn't normal at all. In January of 2011 I went in for my yearly check up. Something I don't look forward to but was bound and determined to get answers. I explained my pain and what not and she immediately suggested birth control. For a year and half my hubby and I had not been "trying" to have a child but would welcome the surprise if it came along. By not "trying" I mean I wasn't calculating my ovulating and all of that exciting stuff but for a year and a half no baby. The doctor I went to a year prior put me on birth control. The Nuva Ring to be exact. What a joke....It was the lowest dose of hormones she could give me and I hated it. I hated my life, I wanted to divorce my husband, I was moody, my family irritated me, my friends drove me crazy and to top it off I felt like I could harm myself or someone else. When I called the doctor a month into this horrid birth control she explained that it had only been a month and I should keep taking it to "give it a chance." Um...give it a chance? If I give it a chance you will probably end up with a law suit because I might do something harmful to someone. Needless to say, I took the Nuva Ring out myself and was back to normal in no time.

Ok back to January 2011. After I told the doctor NO to birth control she suggested we do an ultra sound. I was ecstatic. As weird as that sounds I knew something was wrong and this might be the answer. Ultra sound #1 showed 3 cysts. One rather large and the other two somewhat large. The doctor gave me some options but wanted me to wait a few weeks to see if the cysts would heal themselves. 6 weeks passed and I went in for ultra sound #2....cysts were still there. The larger one was even bigger but the 2 smaller ones looked as if they were decreasing in size. This could be the answer to my pain. Thank God!!! I wait another 4 to 5 weeks and we did ultra sound #3. The larger cyst had finally decreased in size and the other 2 were barely visible. The doctor gave me a couple options. She said that the larger cyst was now decreasing in size but that didn't mean it wasn't harming my body. She thought maybe it was an Endometriomen Cyst and those don't just go away. They are also associated with Endometriosis. The only problem with all of this is that in order to actually be diagnosed with Endometriosis, you have to do surgery. The doctor makes an incision through your belly button and goes in with a camera to check things out.

So my options were again, birth control to try and help the painful menstrual cycles and to possibly cure the lingering cysts I had or we could do the surgery. After much consideration I decided on the surgery. It was an in and out procedure and the doctor was 70% sure that she could get the cysts laparoscopically which meant I would be in and out of the hospital. Mind you, I've never had surgery so this was a hard decision for me but at this point I would do anything to help my body. Before the surgery I agreed with the doctor to cut me open if for any reason things were worse than she thought. That's where the fun begins.....