Round #2 of Lupron

I began my second round of Lupron on August 5^th. These past few weeks have been very rough for me and for my body. What started out to be a great thing has now turned into something evil. I can only hope it’s worth it in the end. The hot flashes have become unbearable at times and of course they come on when I’m getting ready for work or to be somewhere. They waste 5-10 minutes out of my life. I can handle those though. It’s my mood that’s getting to me lately. I’m pretty much irritated everyday all day. At work sometimes I feel like I’m going to lose it at any minute and get fired from job because of my actions. As weird as it sounds I really have no control over my emotions and when I tell myself I’m overreacting I get even more angry and then it turns into this emotional roller coaster and I can’t even stand myself most of the time.

I know I’ve snapped at my friends too and I feel really bad. Even when I’m not trying to be mean I sound mean so it’s pretty much a lose/lose situation for me either way. My husband has got the worst of it though….He’s tough and tries to remind me that it’s not so bad but some days I really feel like a crazy person. Just the other day I was cooking in the kitchen and literally felt like I needed to be admitted to a mental hospital. I was shaking, I couldn’t hold still, I was so angry I couldn’t even think and it got worse as the minutes passed. Ohhh what a journey I’ve been on so far. I know my body needed this break and I hope in the end something good will come out of this but on days likes these I just want to give up and not take any more medicine. Depression has been an issue too. Some days are better than others but some days I feel like I have this horrible life when in reality I LOVE my life and everybody in my life. I love my family and friends and I couldn’t be more blessed. They are amazing people and I’ve been so lucky to be able to do the things I have done.

I’m still a little envious of those cute pregnant Mom’s out there and when I’m around our good friends that just had a baby, it makes me sad that our kids won’t be the same age and that I’m not sharing those same moments with my kids right now but I guess this was my plan in life. I’m not religious by all means. I believe what I believe but I also know that everything does happen for a reason and it just wasn’t my time to have babies I guess. So I think I’ve come to terms with that and now I’m focusing on getting my body back to normal and giving it a much needed break from my horrible monthly cycle. J  Plus our other really great friends are getting married next year and are going to try and have a baby so here’s to hoping our kiddos are the same age and very close in age to our friends with the new baby boy.

I sound like a big huge complainer right now. I hate sounding like that. I’m not a complainer. I very rarely voice my feelings or opinions but this is my space to do that so I guess I’m entitled to do that once in a while. J So that’s that.