The past few months have flown by. We’ve been so busy with weekend vacations, family parties, birthdays and life in general that I feel like summer is gonzo….I’m kind of bummed. I didn’t get much pool time/sunshine in. It’s been a good summer. Busy but wonderful. I of course have been on a roller coaster of emotions. You know the up down all around roller coaster? I’ve tried to relax a bit more and just take life for what it is but this past month I’ve been super anxious. It drives me crazy because I feel like I can’t just sit down and be calm. I feel like I need to be on the go constantly. Otherwise I’m a MESS. My attitude…oh wow…let’s not even go there. My husband probably wants to high five me in the face with a chair. Let’s just say I’ve been overly SHORT with everyone in the world. My temper is set off by the smallest things.
We went on vacation in July and came back to some unanswered questions. My doctor has been so back & forth about what she thinks I should do with the mass growing inside me. She finally came to the conclusion that she wants my fertility doctor to operate on me with the hope that he can preserve my ovaries or fallopian tubes. That’s great news except I don’t have an extra $15,000 to give him to perform the surgery so that’s out of the question. My doctor seemed a bit unsure about doing another surgery and really seemed like she wasn’t up for the task. She’s worried she cannot salvage my ovaries or fallopian tube. She’s not even sure what’s growing inside me. She thought it was a tumor, a cancerous tumor that should be removed and then she actually LOOKED at my surgery records and decided that it could just be an adhesion from the Endometriosis. Thank you kind doctor for actually reviewing my records. So sweet of you. J
Well, at this point I was frustrated. Weird I know. That’s all I’ve been is frustrated. So I decided to get a second opinion. My sister in law recommended her OB doctor so I gave him a shot and guess what? I LOVED HIM. He was straight to the point, told me he has no reason to believe my mass is cancerous so I shouldn’t worry about that at this time and he’s not sure why my doctor thinks she can’t just drain the cyst/mass/tumor/whatever it is. He told me adhesion's are odd shaped. Not round and what’s growing inside of me is round and a bit smaller than a tennis ball. Not pleasant but it’s not harming me that I know of. This doctor rocked. He explained things in my language and made me feel so much more comfortable. He gave me some great advice and when I left his office I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Who knows if the option he gave me will work but we shall see. I don’t want to jinx myself. Too bad this doctor doesn’t take my insurance. I’d really like to switch doctors at this point. I left his office feeling calm and at peace. Crazy right? I was so thankful for the information he gave me and the things he explained to me.
Now I get to wait some more. I feel like I’m always waiting for a miracle. While I’ve been “waiting” I’ve really drove myself crazy with different emotions. If you know me you know that I’m a care taker. I take care of everyone and everything. I want to get certain things done and over with in a timely manner…always! I like to have control of certain situations. I love to plan parties, get togethers with friends & family, vacations etc…I’m always the planner in any group. I like to have plans. I always have and now my plans are up in the air so it’s no wonder that I’m having a tough time relaxing. I made the decision the other night to fix my emotions. I don’t know if it’s possible. I’m sure people who have babies, are pregnant or have deadly diseases may read this blog and think I’m crazy that I’m making such a big deal out of this and to those people I say…QUIT READING MY BLOG THEN. Everybody has issues in life. Bad things happen to good people. This is the bad in my life for now and I’m trying my hardest to change it but it’s not happening so therefore I’m frustrated. Just for now…..things will get better. I have faith…..
For the past year I’ve been to several doctors, had millions of ultra sounds that end in bad news, spent A LOT OF money and have nothing to show…heck I haven’t even been able to try & get pregnant through the fertility clinic yet. I just keep giving them money and they keep turning me away. I have my doctor in one ear telling me that if I’m not going to get pregnant then I need to go back on birth control or something similar. I know people getting prego left & right and moving on with their chapter in life and I’m just stuck. I’m not moving forward, infact I feel like I’m moving backwards most days. To the people who make the excuse, “I don’t know how you feel so therefore I just don’t understand. Sorry,”…….. to hell with you! You don’t need to understand to be supportive. You don’t need to understand to ask what’s going on. You don’t need to understand to recognize that maybe I need a little extra support at this time in my life. Why should I have to ask people to be there for me? I'm not going to ever call those people and ask them to meet up with me to "support me" in my time of struggle. In a time of struggle you expect the people that matter most to always be there for you making that extra effort to be supportive but I often feel it’s the complete opposite. Funny how that works but this struggle my husband & I have been going through has helped show people’s true colors and taught me that I need to be more guarded of who I trust and who I am ALWAYS there for. I’m definitely making some changes. I can honestly say that I can count on one hand the people that are involved in my struggle. I am blessed to have a handful of people that do care and want to know how things are going. I don’t know what I would do without those people. I’m blessed to know a few people who really would do anything for me or my husband if needed. I’m blessed to have the family that we have & the happiness in our life for now. I know things will happen for a reason and I’m trying to be patient
I have an option and I’m crossing fingers, toes and eyes that this option works but in the mean time I need to get my emotions in check. It’s not healthy for me, it’s not healthy for my husband, my family or my friends. I’m dealing with each emotion the best I know how but I’ve NEVER felt the way I do so it makes it tough some days. I wish more people took the time to ask or try to understand those feelings instead of gossiping that I’m not dealing with them the right way or whatever they think. I’m dealing with each emotion as it comes. Sometimes I’m pissed off, sometimes I’m super happy, sometimes I’m sad….don’t judge me unless you fully understand my reasons behind my actions. It’s like the big elephant in the room. I heard a quote the other day that said, “They ignore you now but they will need you later. That’s just how it goes.” Isn’t that the truth & guess what? When those people need me someday I will be there because that’s just who I am. So true in my life right now…..I’m always the care taker, the planner, the gatherer, the helper & now I need everyone in my life & I don’t have the motivation to do ANY OF THOSE THINGS & it’s hard for me to not feel like myself. Disappointed is an understatement.
I came across this web site http://resolve.org/ in search of some way to deal with my emotions and feeling let down by others. There were a few posts regarding emotional stress. After reading it, it was nice to know I’m NOT crazy and that my feelings are completely normal. Yay for being a normal infertile person. I also found a support group close to my house that meets once a month. WHAT? Other women who have the same issue and same emotions and feelings as I do? This is wonderful news {not in a sick twisted way but more of a…FINALLY someone who understands the ups and downs of this mess!!!} I’m so excited to go to that group and meet some new friends. I always LOVE new friends.
So, I’m crossing my fingers the month of September will be better for me. Hopefully I can sort out some of my feelings and learn to deal with people in a better manner and without so much anger or hurt or feeling betrayed. I’m just not myself and therefore I’m anxious because I don’t feel like ME. I hate not feeling like ME. I also found a counselor who can maybe help me understand why I’m not ME right now & how to deal with everything thrown my way. As much as I try to be ME, I think it just makes things worse because I’m ignoring the bigger picture in my life right now…..I can’t wait until I can look back at everything and just be at peace with every decision, crying session, angry moment and sadness…..For now I will do whats best for me and if that offends anyone then I apologize in advance but it’s time for me to take care of ME. It’s time for me to do some things for myself and make some big changes and if that involves me telling anyone NO then so be it. I can’t be superwoman, I can’t save the world and it’s OBVIOUS I can’t make everyone happy because in the end those people I try to please and be there for won’t always be there for me so it’s time to make myself happy instead….
This is a temporary situation and emotional time. One way or another we will figure things out. That I'm sure of! In the mean time I'm going to go ahead and deal with my emotions my way and hopefully better myself. Again, don't judge.....just let it be....
