Life has been calm. Busy as always but calm. I like busy. I like having things to do. I think it keeps me from remembering any negative in life.
Today I'm just sad so I thought maybe it's the perfect time to update this blog.
It is MY blog after all so therefore I can be sad if I want to be sad.
I love this quote above ^^^^. If you know me, you know I don't attend any church on a regular basis. I pray, I believe in something after this life but I'm not religious for the world to see.
Round TWO of IUI didn't work out. I was bummed but third time is the charm.
Life happens and we just didn't get around to doing IUI the third time. I'd like to say it was top priority but I guess it wasn't. My sweet husband was hunting every weekend, I was busy visiting family in St. George, I got a urinary tract infection and the list goes on....it just never worked out so I kind of took that as a sign that maybe I needed a small break.
I went in for my yearly physical a couple of weeks ago and started telling my family doctor about my cyst that I've had since last spring and how it never went away and my O.B. gave me mixed information and therefore I decided to do the IUI in hopes the cyst/mass would vanish and I would be prego. Just for kicks and giggles she decided to feel around for the cyst.
Oh my PAINFUL!! There it was. She felt it alright. I felt it...the whole world could probably see it poking up through my skin.
Not awesome.
My doctor didn't like this and thought that maybe this lovely cyst was producing it's own hormones and that I really just need to get it taken care of. Worst news ever but ok.
I went in for an ultra sound a couple of days later and sure enough....
8cm in size my cyst is still hanging out on my insides.
I was kind of relieved because I thought this could be good news.
Cyst producing own hormones=bad=why I'm not getting pregnant with the IUI's.
Doctor called later that day to let me know all of my blood work was normal. My hormone levels are normal. I'm normal.
Why? For once I don't want to be normal just to get some dang answers.
Family doctor still thinks I should get cyst removed as it has only become bigger in size.
I had high hopes for 2013 but right now I just don't know what to think....
I made an appointment with another doctor {one that takes my insurance} and that appointment is on Thursday. I can't help but just not feel into the holidays. I just don't why I try to take 3 steps forward and then in turn I take 10 steps backwards.
I get sick of people telling me I'm young. I'm young, yes I know this! Eventually I WON'T be young anymore and will I ever have a child to show for it? I don't know...
My husband isn't fond of the adoption idea. Maybe that's the easy way out of this mess my body has put me in. He told me that he just doesn't know if he would ever be ok with adopting....So if that's what it came down to what do I do? Do I just divorce my sweet understanding husband because he doesn't want kids through adoption but I can't live without children?
No I don't plan on divorcing Jake but these are all decisions I hate making. I want to be a little kid again & just grab a band aid when I'm hurt. Band aids use to fix everything.
I hate having mixed emotions about life. I hate being sad. I hate being in the funk I'm in. I hate making myself go out and TRYING to have a good time. I just want to enjoy the holidays and be thankful for what I have right now.....
Oh life is so hard sometimes.
So that's my sad, somber, negative update.
Life goes on but sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball to tell me what it is that will make this whole thing RIGHT!
I need to remember this more often!
I recently had a friend tell me that the rumor is I don't like talking to my pregnant friends or people whom are pregnant because they are pregnant & I'm not.
I know LOTS of people who are pregnant. I work with a few everyday....
Are we in first grade?
{You stole my pencil and now I don't have one so I'm not talking to you for 5 minutes}....
Seriously that's how I feel.
Maybe I just want to be sad for myself. Maybe I'm jealous that some people can have babies without even wanting them. Maybe I'm upset that it's easy for some people to have children. It's not easy for me. All I can say is I love babies, I love seeing babies, I love holding babies, I love playing with all children. The world hasn't stopped because I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO HAVE MY OWN. Nothing makes me more happy than playing with all of the babies in my life. I'm so lucky!!
Treat me the way you would want to be treated in this situation.
Don't ask me to be present during your happiness in life if your absent during MY struggle.
That's all.
Here's to hoping 2013 will be a better year for me. I was blessed in 2012 even though I feel like it involved a lot of trials and struggles and all of that not so fun stuff.
I have wonderful friends, wonderful family, I'm able to travel, I have a husband who tries to understand me and my sad days....Here's to hoping 2013 will be full of more love, more laughter and more babies in my life {even if they aren't mine}
Merry Christmas!!!
