{Struggles}

I had my surgery on April 11th. Going in I was terrified but tried very hard to just be tough. My Mom was planning on coming with me and I had told my hubby to go to work because there was nothing he could do but wait at the hospital. So on April 11th I woke up to get ready. My husband woke up to get ready for work and the first words out of his mouth were, "I can't go to work. I have to go with you." Sweetest thing ever...I didn't let him see me tear up but it calmed me to hear him say that {if you know my husband you know he has very LITTLE emotion so this must have been eating away at him all night}. Anyway, I grabbed my blanket and off we went {yes my blanket. I needed something from home to keep me sain for the day}.

My Mom use to work at the hospital where I was having my surgery so she knew the nurses and medical assistants and that made it easier. Everybody I met was amazing. Super nice, tried to make me feel comfortable. The guy who put in my i.v. rocked. He was my favorite and I was bummed he couldn't come to surgery with me. He made jokes the whole time and made things easy. What a relief. They wheeled me off to surgery & gave me those awesome meds that knock you out. I woke up and I don't remember seeing anyone but I remember asking my hubby if I could go home now? He said, "No they had to cut you open. I'm sorry." I was in tears but quickly fell asleep. I knew that wasn't a good thing. After a while...maybe it was a few minutes, I really don't know but they wheeled me to my room. In honor of my lovely drugs I guess I asked the nurse if I could have a room with a view of the pool. She laughed I'm sure. I remember my husband telling me that I couldn't have a room with a view of the pool because there aren't pools at hospitals but that I could have a room with a view of the mountains. I was not happy about that.

I don't remember to much about my hospital visit. The meds were awful. I hate taking meds and refused to take anything for the pain on the second day. I decided I'm not a fan of hospitals. The beds are uncomfortable and I had the most obnoxious medical assistant every night. He would come in and flip on the light as if it wasn't 1:00 a.m. His voice made me want to scream. I'm sure in "real life" he's a great person but at the end of the day I wanted to be left alone. My Dad came to the hospital every day. He was there every morning and stayed all day until someone else showed up. My little sister was also great and hung out. I don't know what I would have done without my Dad there. He is a man of few words but that was his way of showing he cared and it meant so much to me. My husband unfortunately works construction and doesn't get paid for his days off so it was hard for him to be with me 24/7. I wasn't mad, I was just glad my Dad was there. My Mom had to go back to work but I'm so thankful she was with me when I went into the hospital. She's my rock and one of my best friends. She calms me and makes me feel better. I'm so blessed to have amazing parents.

The doctor came in and gave me this God awful picture of my insides. She told me that when she went in for the simple procedure through my belly button she seen so much Endometriosis that it was impossible for her to treat me that way. Therefore she cut me open in three separate places. My ovaries, fallopian tubes, bowels and other organs were basically glued to my Uterus. She told me that my insides looked like that of a Cancer patient. Lovely! She had to separate all of my girl parts and put in a membrane to separate everything. She told me I basically had three options. #1 birth control, #2 have a baby {or try some more} #3 Lupron {a drug that tricks your body into menopause for a short time}. The doctor also told me that if I am able to have children I will need to have them a year apart & eventually have a hysterectomy. So much information and I was so frustrated. I remember all of my friends came to visit me in the hospital and they were so kind and brought me the most beautiful flowers and treats but inside I just wanted everyone to leave so I could cry.

When your younger, in high school you don't think you will have to make these decisions. I was frustrated that I even had to go through this. I figured it would be a simple procedure & I would be out the door. Now I was looking at 6 weeks off of work and a healing process and decisions and frustrations and infertility and anger and all sorts of negative thoughts. I was not excited......The next few days in the hospital were so horrible. The staff was amazing but laying in bed and trying to get up to go to the restroom or take walks or anything was just exhausting. I wouldn't take the pain meds because they made me feel worse. Going home was the greatest day ever. I have never been so excited to be in my home and take a shower and eat real food and sleep in MY bed. My little sister took care of me for a couple of days. She rocks. My husband was amazing and cooked and cleaned and basically did everything for me because for once in my life I was on strict bed rest. Something I'm NOT a fan of by the way.

Those 6 weeks were so long. I started to enjoy my time off and started feeling better but it didn't make the negative go away. I would cry for no reason at all...or maybe I had my reasons and I just chose to ignore them. I had so many decisions to make and I didn't know what was right or wrong. Of course I want to be a Mom. I've always LOVED children and I would love to be a Mom someday but was now the time? My body went through a major surgery. Should I let it rest? I was at a loss and extremely frustrated.........