No More Awkward Moments Please....

This post isn't G rated so if you are easily offended then please don't read on. It's not graphic by all means but maybe not something everyone would like to read about. To much info for some....

So at the beginning of the week my hubby and I decided that now would be the best time to get him tested and make sure everything was ok on his end. He was nervous. This is one of those things you don't look forward to...kind of like going to the dentist. Anyhow, the week dragged on and then it was finally Thursday. We walked into the office and I didn't get a good vibe from the beginning. The girl's weren't friendly and the one receptionist didn't even know what she was doing. We signed in and sat down. Another guy walked in a few minutes after us and signed in. The receptionist immediately gave him papers to fill out and apparently he didn't do it right because when he handed them to the receptionist she said, "You didn't even do this right. Do you need me to high lite exactly what I want? It's all backwards. You need to do it right next time otherwise we can't see you today." Really? That calmed me for sure {NOT}.

So we sat longer...finally they asked us to come up and gave me a bunch of paperwork to fill out. I spent an hour online last night filling out your forms so you could have them ready today. I made the receptionist aware of that and she said, "Oh yes, they are right here." Bad impression #2. She then asked for my insurance card and made me aware that they don't accept our insurance. Bad impression #3. I already knew that. See the notes on the forms I filled out last night online. By this time I was kind of irritated. This place is a Reproductive Care Center. Shouldn't these people be on top of their stuff and make you feel welcome the minute you walk through the door? This isn't the easiest thing in the world to go through.....

Needless to say it was our turn. The guy {I don't even know what to call him/nurse maybe?}. Who knows? Anyway he was amazing. Super personable and laughed with us and joked around. He was awesome. Then he opens the door to our "room" where we get to go about our business. Half BATHROOM with a couch that was ripped in several places. Is that even sanitary?? We were already nervous, already felt super awkward and this is where they bring us? Oh my gosh. I didn't even know what to think. I guess I wasn't really expecting the Hilton but talk about an awkward situation. The bathroom was over the top.

We did what we had to do and left. It wasn't romantic at all, it wasn't exciting. It was awkward and I hate awkward moments. Now just crossing our fingers that Jake has a clean bill of health so that when we do start the process of having babies, that will be one less thing to worry about. As for the doctor's office we went to, I'm not sure I will be going back for any infertility consultations. I know I need to make an appointment but I'm not sure that is the place for us. I hear there is a great doctor there but I'm not a fan of the office staff as of now and they are the first people I see when I walk in so....who knows what we will do now? I hear the University of Utah has awesome infertility doctors. Maybe I will try them. 

Let It Be...

Well, I had shot #3 a few weeks ago. I’m half way to the end and can I just say that I’m being rather impatient. My very best friend in the whole world asked me to go to Hawaii with her. She was helping her Dad work but really wanted to spend a week with me. We’ve never done a big trip like that so we figured why not. We are both young, my husband’s more than understanding that I LOVE to travel the world AND we don’t have kids so why not Hawaii? It was pretty spontaneous but I was able to go. I took the time off work {love my job and co-workers for being there for me when they know I need a break} and I was on my way. It was an amazing 11 days. I had no schedule, nowhere to be, no e-mails to answer, no lingering voice mails on my work phone. I was excited to sit on the beach and ponder life and all I’ve been through this past year. The beach is the best place to “think.” The ocean is peaceful. I woke up to the sound of the ocean on a daily basis, sat outside and drank the most delicious coffee imaginable and watched the waves roll in. I had some much needed girl time with my BFF, we tried some new foods, we laughed, we learned how to body board {which I absolutely LOVE} and we watched the honeymoon couples enjoy each other’s company, predicting what the rest of their lives would be like. It truly was paradise. No complaints….although I did miss my hubby {so much}.

Right before I left I had my third Lupron shot. I’m a pro by now that’s for sure. The hot flashes are increasing {as if they couldn’t get any worse} but they are just part of my daily routine. I think my mood has been better and relaxing 11 days on the beach gave me lots of time to put things into perspective. Lately I feel like I’m running out of time. I know I’m young and most people don’t actually begin trying to have babies until they hit their late 20’s or even 30 but when someone tells you that you CAN’T have babies, it makes you want that even more. I’ve been reading a lot about Endometriosis and the good and bad and everywhere I read women have at least one miscarriage before actually being able to carry a baby full term and most women have to use in vetro {IVF} to get pregnant. I hate not knowing the unknown. I’m really worried that this is going to turn into a process that I’m not ready to handle. I don’t think I’m strong enough to go through things like that. I’m tough but when I’m emotionally burned out then I’m done. That’s it, no going back. I know I’m getting ahead of myself by thinking the negative but it’s really hard to keep positive some days.

I hate talking to my husband about it even though it’s on my mind every single day. I don’t want to be the downer in the room every day and it really doesn’t bring me down every day. Some days are worse than others, it’s just on my mind every day. Everyone I’ve ever known is still pregnant or had their babies. I see people from high school on Facebook and they all have babies and some are already on their 2^nd and 3^rd. It gets depressing knowing that I can’t have that RIGHT NOW or maybe ever. What if I can’t ever carry a baby or what if I can’t even get pregnant? There’s a ton of other choices to becoming a Mom and I know that but the thought of NOT being able to have babies on my own is slightly frustrating. I’m not getting any younger. The other day before I left for Hawaii I had said something to Jake, my husband and he said maybe “he” knew that you have unfinished business here like taking a vacation with your very best friend. I’m assuming he was referring to God as “he.” I didn’t ask because he’s not a religious person by all means. I just let it be. I remind myself daily that there’s reasoning behind all of it and just when I think I have come to terms with all of it…BAM, I get sad & stressed out again. Ohhh the joys of being a woman. So while in Hawaii my best friend and I wanted tattoos. We found the perfect one….in small writing it just says Let it be…..Simple and corny maybe but it describes my life perfectly. We didn’t end up getting the tattoo because like everything else in Hawaii the tattoo artist wanted to charge us an outrageous amount for something so simple and small but I will be looking into other tattoo shops around my area and I will get his on my foot. Let it be…..That’s all for now.



Hot Flashes + Mood Swings = Being a woman sucks!

The hot flashes and mood swings have been more intense than ever. Is this a sign that the medication is working or is this a sign that I'm going through all of this for no reason? Only time will tell but I'm sick of waiting. I'm the most impatient person on the planet when it comes to my life and my body etc....If something is wrong I want to know how to fix it immediately.


My hot flashes come on about every 30 minutes. Let me rephrase this...they are not hot flashes, more like HOT SWEATS. My back is like a pool of water. Not fun. I think I MIGHT attempt to try to the "add-back" pill one more time. The last time I took it, I felt crappy all day. Maybe I'll try again this weekend and see what it does for me.


I will be on my third shot of Lupron next week. Time passes quickly in a way but my last shot won't be until December and it feels so far away. My mood has been about the same. I can feel myself getting angry in certain situations and I have to try my best to keep calm. Do I sound crazy yet? I feel crazy. Certain people irritate me more than others and I don't even want to be around them as often. This makes me sad because the holidays are approaching and I want to be my happy, easy going, social butterfly self. I often feel like people are being short with me because I'm being short with them or I've offended certain people with my emotions and they don't know how to tell me. I'm sorry to those that read this and that I have offended. Truth be told...I can't control what comes out of my mouth at the moment. I try and try and the more I try the more angry I get. This isn't who I am.

My husband reminds me everyday that this is all for a good cause. I'm still trying to come to terms with that but I think for the most part I've come to terms with the fact that THIS IS MY LIFE right now and I can either be angry and pissed off about it or I can suck it up and deal with it. Obviously when I write posts like this it sounds like I'm being a big cry baby, BUT I just want to remember this part of my life because it's sure changed my outlook on a lot of things....And I'd rather type on the computer than write in a journal.

Did I mention next week I will be in paradise with my best friend? Hawaii is calling my name and I'm ready for a much needed relaxing getaway in my most favorite spot. The hubs will be hunting because it is that time of year and I'm bummed it didn't work out so that he could come along but I can't deny the fact that I'm really excited to get away from LIFE for a bit and give my mind a break.