Well, I had shot #3 a few weeks ago. I’m half way to the end and can I just say that I’m being rather impatient. My very best friend in the whole world asked me to go to Hawaii with her. She was helping her Dad work but really wanted to spend a week with me. We’ve never done a big trip like that so we figured why not. We are both young, my husband’s more than understanding that I LOVE to travel the world AND we don’t have kids so why not Hawaii? It was pretty spontaneous but I was able to go. I took the time off work {love my job and co-workers for being there for me when they know I need a break} and I was on my way. It was an amazing 11 days. I had no schedule, nowhere to be, no e-mails to answer, no lingering voice mails on my work phone. I was excited to sit on the beach and ponder life and all I’ve been through this past year. The beach is the best place to “think.” The ocean is peaceful. I woke up to the sound of the ocean on a daily basis, sat outside and drank the most delicious coffee imaginable and watched the waves roll in. I had some much needed girl time with my BFF, we tried some new foods, we laughed, we learned how to body board {which I absolutely LOVE} and we watched the honeymoon couples enjoy each other’s company, predicting what the rest of their lives would be like. It truly was paradise. No complaints….although I did miss my hubby {so much}.
Right before I left I had my third Lupron shot. I’m a pro by now that’s for sure. The hot flashes are increasing {as if they couldn’t get any worse} but they are just part of my daily routine. I think my mood has been better and relaxing 11 days on the beach gave me lots of time to put things into perspective. Lately I feel like I’m running out of time. I know I’m young and most people don’t actually begin trying to have babies until they hit their late 20’s or even 30 but when someone tells you that you CAN’T have babies, it makes you want that even more. I’ve been reading a lot about Endometriosis and the good and bad and everywhere I read women have at least one miscarriage before actually being able to carry a baby full term and most women have to use in vetro {IVF} to get pregnant. I hate not knowing the unknown. I’m really worried that this is going to turn into a process that I’m not ready to handle. I don’t think I’m strong enough to go through things like that. I’m tough but when I’m emotionally burned out then I’m done. That’s it, no going back. I know I’m getting ahead of myself by thinking the negative but it’s really hard to keep positive some days.
I hate talking to my husband about it even though it’s on my mind every single day. I don’t want to be the downer in the room every day and it really doesn’t bring me down every day. Some days are worse than others, it’s just on my mind every day. Everyone I’ve ever known is still pregnant or had their babies. I see people from high school on Facebook and they all have babies and some are already on their 2nd and 3rd. It gets depressing knowing that I can’t have that RIGHT NOW or maybe ever. What if I can’t ever carry a baby or what if I can’t even get pregnant? There’s a ton of other choices to becoming a Mom and I know that but the thought of NOT being able to have babies on my own is slightly frustrating. I’m not getting any younger. The other day before I left for Hawaii I had said something to Jake, my husband and he said maybe “he” knew that you have unfinished business here like taking a vacation with your very best friend. I’m assuming he was referring to God as “he.” I didn’t ask because he’s not a religious person by all means. I just let it be. I remind myself daily that there’s reasoning behind all of it and just when I think I have come to terms with all of it…BAM, I get sad & stressed out again. Ohhh the joys of being a woman. So while in Hawaii my best friend and I wanted tattoos. We found the perfect one….in small writing it just says Let it be…..Simple and corny maybe but it describes my life perfectly. We didn’t end up getting the tattoo because like everything else in Hawaii the tattoo artist wanted to charge us an outrageous amount for something so simple and small but I will be looking into other tattoo shops around my area and I will get his on my foot. Let it be…..That’s all for now.
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