Doctor-Doctor!

I’ve been trying to find an AMAZING infertility doctor who I can go to for more advice. So far I’ve had no luck. I really don’t want to go back to the RCC {Reproductive Care Center} because of their office staff. My doctor told me I should give them another try because the office staff and the doctors are completely different but I’m the type of person who will give someone a shot and if they don’t impress me then I don’t go back. Especially doctors. If my life is in their hands I want to feel comfortable. So the RCC didn’t impress me. I’ve heard good and bad about the U of U infertility clinic. I’ve heard that they have intern doctors who are learning the ropes. That’s great but this is a big deal to me. I need to make sure my money isn’t being wasted on a first year student trying to figure things out. They can practice on someone else. I just want someone reliable. Someone I know will remember my face, maybe not my name all of the time but will eventually get to know me and my husband as people and not just as patients. That may take a while but that’s what I’m looking for. Pretty picky right? I’ve also heard the U of U is insanely expensive. I heard the RCC has “baby packages.” I’m not buying a car and that’s how I feel right now.

I’ve done some research but not too much because I get super frustrated when I don’t get the answers I’m looking for. It helps to know a few people who have been in my situation and can understand. Right now I feel like a big walking dollar sign. A friend of mine referred me to a doctor in American Fork. That’s pretty far from my house but I was willing to travel the distance if I liked him. After talking to Jake we decided I would call and make an appointment with this doctor because I read great things about their office online. The office staff was very kind, very personable. Yay! I was so excited. The best part was that the nurse told me the doctor would call me back for a phone consultation and it was FREE. Awesome right? At least I could get a good feel for the doctor via phone and see if he gave me any great information.

The doctor called me back. Conversation started out great. I got a little irritated when I asked why their prices were a few thousand cheaper for IVF than any other clinic. He told me that he’s getting paid less to do his job so that people like me can afford IVF. Um….ok….I’m sorry?? I didn’t even know what to say. I felt like he wanted me to pity him for getting paid less so that I could get what I needed. I’m pretty sure it’s not true because the nurse told me that their Los Angeles office makes enough money to keep their Utah office prices low. That’s probably the truth after reading some more on their Los Angeles office. Anyway, he kept telling me he wasn’t selling me IVF and I kept telling him I would be exhausting ALL of my options before actually going with IVF. He kept telling me that IVF was more of a for sure thing and I might be wasting my money on those other options. By this time I was super frustrated again. You’re not selling me IVF but you really are. You want me to do the IVF procedure obviously. Then I asked about payment plans. This is how our conversation went.

Me: Do you guys do payment plans for IVF?

Doc: No but I could get you in touch with my banker if you need me to. Usually people use credit cards for procedures like that but if that’s not an option for you both then honestly I would make a trip over to your in laws house and ask them for a $10,000 loan so that they can have the grandchildren that they’ve always wanted. I know it sounds like a lot of money but think of the joy a baby would bring into your home and their home.

{Me: I’m THINKING is he being serious right now? He’s joking right? He doesn’t know me or my financial situation. Just because I asked if they did payment plans doesn’t mean I can’t afford this. I mean I can’t at the moment but still. It’s the point of. And who’s to say my in laws have $10,000 dollars to hand off to me? Really is this guy serious?}

After listening to his rant about borrowing money from my in laws for this procedure that MIGHT NOT EVEN WORK I finally spoke up and said, “I actually have my own job and work for what I need in my life. The last person I would even think of borrowing money from are my in laws or my own parents. They worked their whole life to get to where they are today and this is something I want in MY LIFE. Not something they want so no I probably won’t be borrowing $10,000 from either set of parents anytime soon…probably never.”

Doc: {chuckle} Ok then.

At this point I was pretty much just angry. I was done with the conversation and he just kept talking. I finally just kindly said, “Well thank you for your time. If this is something I decide to do I will let you know. Good-bye.” Why, why, why am I walking money sign? Do people not know that these are my emotions they are messing with? Maybe I need to be tougher about the whole thing. Maybe I need to just know that things like this happen to people daily and it’s not just me going through this so I need to put my wall up and hold on tight because nobody thinks it’s as big of a deal as I’m making it out to be and my emotions are showing. I think I’ll give up on finding a doctor for the time being. I think I need to focus on what I’m going to do next after I’m finished with my shots and that is to exhaust all other options before I consider taking a loan for $10,000 from my in laws. Ha Ha Ha JOKE!!!  

Life as I know it....this week....

Last week was rough. So rough. Jake went hunting over the weekend so I was alone. I have lots of friends, lots of family and I was alone. Maybe that was my choice. Maybe I wanted to be alone for the weekend. I'm not really sure but I was not in a good place mentally.

I hate feeling so helpless. I questioned myself, if I was a good wife, a good friend, a nice person etc...The list went on and on and on. I laid in bed pretty much all weekend. What a shame because I had a ton of craft projects I was looking forward to doing while Jake was away. I couldn't seem to leave my bed. I watched dumb lifetime movies and cried a lot. Just the thought of this roller coaster I am about to ride makes me cringe. I try to be positive and I try to think of the positive things that I have in life like family, friends, nephews who put a smile on my face, great co-workers, a job, a roof over my head and more but I always went right back to my negative thought of why me? You never know what you are missing out on until someone tells you that it just might not be possible. Now, I'm probably jumping to conclusions because the doctor has never told me I will not be able to have babies. She has simply just told me that it's probably going to be very hard for me to have babies if I can ever actually conceive them. She's also said that I will probably never be able to conceive the "normal" way and that I should begin looking into other options.

Well guess what I think about that?
I think I'll still try to have babies the "normal" way. I'll try like hell to do EVERYTHING I possibly can before I spend thousands and thousands of dollars on IVF. Don't tell this girl no because she will try and prove you wrong. 

Anyway, on Sunday a very good friend of mine invited me to lunch with her and her baby who's now 5 months. He's a doll and I love him so much. I don't get jealous that she has a baby...I just wish our babies could share the same ages and become best friends. Hopefully by the time I get to have babies of my own she will be on her 2nd. She's such a great friend though. She listens, she asks questions that nobody else asks because they don't know. She understands that it shouldn't be this tough for me to have a baby and she hopes that it won't ever be as tough as the doctor makes it sound. Sometimes we just sit in silence & even that makes me feel better because I know she's there at least. I'm a pretty private person so this blog is tough for me to write on. I don't like letting people into my life but I think it helps me to write about my journey through my blog and I think it helps me to be more open to people in my life about what I'm going through. It helps to know that people I barely know are rooting for me and either know how I feel or are always there with a listening ear.   

It's so funny to me that I went in for a procedure that would hopefully help my monthly cycles be less painful and now here I am. It will be a year in January since I started this whole process of asking the doctor to help me. Crazy how time flies. I think right now that the only thing I do know is that life really is precious and sometimes we really don't get to choose our own paths. We can hope for the future but sometimes it doesn't always turn out the way we want it to. I really envy those women who can get pregnant so easily and have no other problems.

Life's defining moment for this week:
Having my husband come home from hunting and venting to him about how horrible of a wife I am because I might not be able to ever give him children & having him hug me and sit in complete silence in the dark and just listen and tell me that no matter what I'm the love of his life and we will do this together.
To have an amazing man in my life is the best feeling in the world.

The "Awkward" Outcome....

I won’t go into any lovely details but when I called the doctor a couple days ago to make sure they have my monthly Lupron shot ready she gave me some not so great news. In my previous post we had my hubby checked out to make sure he was ok. 15% means he’s fantastic…..he’s at a 5% which doesn’t mean it’s horrible but not the best. 15% & 5% are some pretty big differences if you ask me so…not the best might mean HORRIBLE. Who knows….The doctor basically told me I would probably never get pregnant the normal way and that I should start looking into IVF now because it costs a lot of money. Just what I wanted to hear. NOT!

After that conversation I was pretty numb and kind of angry. Why is this turning into problem after problem? Can’t I catch a break? How are we supposed to afford one baby with IVF? Not to mention that sometimes it doesn’t work the first time. How are we supposed to afford 2 or 3 or 4 rounds of IVF??? How are we supposed to afford a second child if I will already be in debt with my first child? I thought about all of these negative things and money issues and I sat back and wondered why this is happening to me. Young girls get pregnant on a daily basis. No problem at all. Then they take it for granted and regret their decision and now I’m faced with decisions that I never thought possible. Is that selfish? I feel selfish.

I called my husband on the way home from work. I was emotionally drained already and just wanted him to tell me it’s ok. That’s not what I got…He said, “Well I’ll do what we have to do but we need to start sacrificing our fun and we have to be able to afford it to do it.” I should have known that’s what he would say. He worries about our finances constantly. We live comfortably. We get to do things that some married people our age don’t have the opportunity to do. We travel, we go to dinner at least once a week. Maybe we splurge a little too often and I know that this is something we would have to save for but will we ever be able to afford something like this? So then I got angry and it turned into World War 5 at my house. Not a fun night. I finally got him to understand that I knew this was a process, I knew that this wasn’t going to be easy. I don’t want to go into major debt if we don’t have to but I just wanted him to be understanding and not talk about finances for a minute. I already feel guilty I had to have surgery and I had to pay for that. So, all ended well. We fought, we forgave, and we know that this is a process that we both have to work on. He understood that he didn’t need to lecture me but that was his way of dealing I guess….

I still just don’t understand why me, why us? If it’s not one thing it’s another. Jake said that maybe we are the lucky ones so that we can really understand how precious life is. I know how precious life is…I spend as much time as possible with my grandparents who won’t live forever, I tell my family and friends I love them as often as possible, I am constantly trying to make others happy so why am I being tested? When the time comes I’m sure I’ll try to get pregnant the “normal” way…if it doesn’t work then at least I can say I exhausted all of my options. For now I’m frustrated and I have a whole new slew of emotions that I’m dealing with. Weird ones that I’ve never felt. Some days I hate this….