The "Awkward" Outcome....

I won’t go into any lovely details but when I called the doctor a couple days ago to make sure they have my monthly Lupron shot ready she gave me some not so great news. In my previous post we had my hubby checked out to make sure he was ok. 15% means he’s fantastic…..he’s at a 5% which doesn’t mean it’s horrible but not the best. 15% & 5% are some pretty big differences if you ask me so…not the best might mean HORRIBLE. Who knows….The doctor basically told me I would probably never get pregnant the normal way and that I should start looking into IVF now because it costs a lot of money. Just what I wanted to hear. NOT!

After that conversation I was pretty numb and kind of angry. Why is this turning into problem after problem? Can’t I catch a break? How are we supposed to afford one baby with IVF? Not to mention that sometimes it doesn’t work the first time. How are we supposed to afford 2 or 3 or 4 rounds of IVF??? How are we supposed to afford a second child if I will already be in debt with my first child? I thought about all of these negative things and money issues and I sat back and wondered why this is happening to me. Young girls get pregnant on a daily basis. No problem at all. Then they take it for granted and regret their decision and now I’m faced with decisions that I never thought possible. Is that selfish? I feel selfish.

I called my husband on the way home from work. I was emotionally drained already and just wanted him to tell me it’s ok. That’s not what I got…He said, “Well I’ll do what we have to do but we need to start sacrificing our fun and we have to be able to afford it to do it.” I should have known that’s what he would say. He worries about our finances constantly. We live comfortably. We get to do things that some married people our age don’t have the opportunity to do. We travel, we go to dinner at least once a week. Maybe we splurge a little too often and I know that this is something we would have to save for but will we ever be able to afford something like this? So then I got angry and it turned into World War 5 at my house. Not a fun night. I finally got him to understand that I knew this was a process, I knew that this wasn’t going to be easy. I don’t want to go into major debt if we don’t have to but I just wanted him to be understanding and not talk about finances for a minute. I already feel guilty I had to have surgery and I had to pay for that. So, all ended well. We fought, we forgave, and we know that this is a process that we both have to work on. He understood that he didn’t need to lecture me but that was his way of dealing I guess….

I still just don’t understand why me, why us? If it’s not one thing it’s another. Jake said that maybe we are the lucky ones so that we can really understand how precious life is. I know how precious life is…I spend as much time as possible with my grandparents who won’t live forever, I tell my family and friends I love them as often as possible, I am constantly trying to make others happy so why am I being tested? When the time comes I’m sure I’ll try to get pregnant the “normal” way…if it doesn’t work then at least I can say I exhausted all of my options. For now I’m frustrated and I have a whole new slew of emotions that I’m dealing with. Weird ones that I’ve never felt. Some days I hate this….