Last week was rough. So rough. Jake went hunting over the weekend so I was alone. I have lots of friends, lots of family and I was alone. Maybe that was my choice. Maybe I wanted to be alone for the weekend. I'm not really sure but I was not in a good place mentally.
I hate feeling so helpless. I questioned myself, if I was a good wife, a good friend, a nice person etc...The list went on and on and on. I laid in bed pretty much all weekend. What a shame because I had a ton of craft projects I was looking forward to doing while Jake was away. I couldn't seem to leave my bed. I watched dumb lifetime movies and cried a lot. Just the thought of this roller coaster I am about to ride makes me cringe. I try to be positive and I try to think of the positive things that I have in life like family, friends, nephews who put a smile on my face, great co-workers, a job, a roof over my head and more but I always went right back to my negative thought of why me? You never know what you are missing out on until someone tells you that it just might not be possible. Now, I'm probably jumping to conclusions because the doctor has never told me I will not be able to have babies. She has simply just told me that it's probably going to be very hard for me to have babies if I can ever actually conceive them. She's also said that I will probably never be able to conceive the "normal" way and that I should begin looking into other options.
Well guess what I think about that?
I think I'll still try to have babies the "normal" way. I'll try like hell to do EVERYTHING I possibly can before I spend thousands and thousands of dollars on IVF. Don't tell this girl no because she will try and prove you wrong.
Anyway, on Sunday a very good friend of mine invited me to lunch with her and her baby who's now 5 months. He's a doll and I love him so much. I don't get jealous that she has a baby...I just wish our babies could share the same ages and become best friends. Hopefully by the time I get to have babies of my own she will be on her 2nd. She's such a great friend though. She listens, she asks questions that nobody else asks because they don't know. She understands that it shouldn't be this tough for me to have a baby and she hopes that it won't ever be as tough as the doctor makes it sound. Sometimes we just sit in silence & even that makes me feel better because I know she's there at least. I'm a pretty private person so this blog is tough for me to write on. I don't like letting people into my life but I think it helps me to write about my journey through my blog and I think it helps me to be more open to people in my life about what I'm going through. It helps to know that people I barely know are rooting for me and either know how I feel or are always there with a listening ear.
It's so funny to me that I went in for a procedure that would hopefully help my monthly cycles be less painful and now here I am. It will be a year in January since I started this whole process of asking the doctor to help me. Crazy how time flies. I think right now that the only thing I do know is that life really is precious and sometimes we really don't get to choose our own paths. We can hope for the future but sometimes it doesn't always turn out the way we want it to. I really envy those women who can get pregnant so easily and have no other problems.
Life's defining moment for this week:
Having my husband come home from hunting and venting to him about how horrible of a wife I am because I might not be able to ever give him children & having him hug me and sit in complete silence in the dark and just listen and tell me that no matter what I'm the love of his life and we will do this together.
To have an amazing man in my life is the best feeling in the world.
Well guess what I think about that?
I think I'll still try to have babies the "normal" way. I'll try like hell to do EVERYTHING I possibly can before I spend thousands and thousands of dollars on IVF. Don't tell this girl no because she will try and prove you wrong.
Anyway, on Sunday a very good friend of mine invited me to lunch with her and her baby who's now 5 months. He's a doll and I love him so much. I don't get jealous that she has a baby...I just wish our babies could share the same ages and become best friends. Hopefully by the time I get to have babies of my own she will be on her 2nd. She's such a great friend though. She listens, she asks questions that nobody else asks because they don't know. She understands that it shouldn't be this tough for me to have a baby and she hopes that it won't ever be as tough as the doctor makes it sound. Sometimes we just sit in silence & even that makes me feel better because I know she's there at least. I'm a pretty private person so this blog is tough for me to write on. I don't like letting people into my life but I think it helps me to write about my journey through my blog and I think it helps me to be more open to people in my life about what I'm going through. It helps to know that people I barely know are rooting for me and either know how I feel or are always there with a listening ear.
It's so funny to me that I went in for a procedure that would hopefully help my monthly cycles be less painful and now here I am. It will be a year in January since I started this whole process of asking the doctor to help me. Crazy how time flies. I think right now that the only thing I do know is that life really is precious and sometimes we really don't get to choose our own paths. We can hope for the future but sometimes it doesn't always turn out the way we want it to. I really envy those women who can get pregnant so easily and have no other problems.
Life's defining moment for this week:
Having my husband come home from hunting and venting to him about how horrible of a wife I am because I might not be able to ever give him children & having him hug me and sit in complete silence in the dark and just listen and tell me that no matter what I'm the love of his life and we will do this together.
To have an amazing man in my life is the best feeling in the world.
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