Living & Enjoying

My mood has been rather relaxed this month and I kind of like it. I don't know if it's the meds or what but I'm in the "live day to day" mode and I'm enjoying it to the fullest. I like to plan things, I like to plan life, I like to plan my weekend, my week and although I've been trying to plan some season gatherings with friends and what not, I've kind of just been doing my own thing. It's been nice not worrying about small details to my day to day life. I haven't been doing much but hanging around the house, Christmas shopping, doing things I enjoy etc...

I've been asked to do a lot of fun things with different people and sometimes I take them up on their offers and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I don't have the answer as to why I'm in a funk. Sometimes I like just being alone, not worrying about anyone besides me. Sometimes I want to ask those people, "why don't you know what's going on in my life? You assume I just don't want to hang out but you have no idea what I've really been going through because you don't ask." People deal with things differently. I'm sorry if I don't get excited to go out and party like a rockstar right now. I'm just not in that mode. I'm in a different spot in life. That's ok with me.

Why do people feel weird asking what's going on Jake & I's life? This is our life. We are dealing with it the only way we know how. We don't need the pitty parties, we don't need the constant attention, we don't need anyone to ask on a daily basis but sometimes it's nice to get a random text from someone close to us, family or friends that says..."Hey how's everything? How are your shots? How are you feeling? Do you need anything? What's next?" Instead it's like it's some big secret that I have FERTILITY issues. It's not a secret. It's part of my life and we are dealing the best way we know how.

You don't know how it feels somedays if you've never been through it but it's tough. Dealing with it and dwelling on it are two different things. I'll admit I have dwelled on the subject a few times. It's hard not to somedays. It's not always the subject of my conversations but it's ALWAYS in the back of my mind. What's next? What do I do from here? How much is this process going to cost me? What does 2012 have in store for us? Can I do it emotionally? These questions are constant reminders that life just isn't normal right now.

Thank God for Jake. He's my rock. My best friend. He's become one of the very few I know I can count on. One of the very few who actually really cares what's going on my life. I'm thankful for my family and friends but I don't really know what I would do without Jake. He's amazing! There's my ramble for the day.

I guess I have mixed emotions about people's intentions. I know people mean well but show it once in a while. It's not a secret. This is our life. This is the way we are living for the time being. Is it a constant subject around our house? No! We live normally, we eat dinner together EVERY NIGHT at the dinner table just the two of us and talk about our day. We laugh, we have fun, we go out. It's not a constant subject but it's always there. It won't go away and so for now this is what we are going through. I'm not my spunky, crazy, loud self because I'm going through life changing stuff. Big deal. I'm still me. I'm still here. I'm happy, I know this is all for a purpose, I know good things will come out of this. It's all ok.

I like having that attitude. It makes my life easier that's for sure. I like living the day to day and not planning 6 months in advance. This is our life and for now I'm content with what it is....because at the end of the day, it really is just what it is.  

PS-This week I'm so, so, soooo thankful for my insurance. These awesome shots I get monthly are well over $1,200 a month. For 6 months worth that's $7,200. Whoa! Granted I wouldn't have to pay that BUT I would have to pay a portion. Since I had my surgery I reached my deductible and my shots are basically FREE to me. I don't have to pay a dime. Well I guess I'm paying my hospital bill but it's so minimal that I can't complain at all really. I'm so blessed to have an amazing job with great benefits. So blessed!!