The Chosen One.....

Here I am!

It's been awhile.

The month of April was a bit overwhelming for me. I thought we were on the right track to knowing the answer to our infertility questions but I thought wrong. I have a cyst who has decided to make a home on my left ovary. It won't go away. Sometimes it's only 3 cm. Sometimes it's 5 cm. Today it's 5. I had ANOTHER follow up ultra sound to see if anything had changed. It hadn't, therefore I still can't go ahead with the insemination. I'm a little confused. My OBGYN doctor is confused and the Endocrinologist doctor just wants me to fork out the money to do IVF.

Actually let me rephrase this...."it would be in my best interest to go ahead with IVF and my chances of becoming pregnant are higher by doing IVF."

So I went ahead and found out more information on cost. It's expensive. Who in the world has $20,000 to just throw around not knowing if what you decide is even a guarantee for you? If I pay someone this godly amount of money will I have a baby? Why do I have to be the one to pay someone to help me have a baby? Why is it so hard for me and for others it's nothing? The great news was that if I didn't get a "take home baby" then I would get 70% of my money back. Sounds perfect right?? I feel like a lab rat at this point. I don't know what the right decision is. I've asked a few people their opinions and I've had different answers every time. Some say that I will regret it if I don't at least try the IVF. Others say they would adopt in a heart beat. I guess in the end it's really just OUR decision and at this point I don't even know what that is.
My mind is going at 100 miles an hour and I can't seem to find the answers.

I had a good friend tell me the other day that I'm indecisive.
I didn't take this rude, but it made me think. I need to make a decision. I'm indecisive about what to eat for lunch on a daily basis. You think trying to have a baby the hard way is an easy decision? Ha not in my book. The money my husband and I will have for IVF will be the only money we have and that will only be for one try. If it doesn't work then what do I do? Save for years just to adopt? We are 2 very normal people living in this crazy world, we work full time jobs, we are great with our finances but we don't really have money to just save. We live a good life. I won't deny that. We go to dinner, we go do fun things, we take trips occasionally {by trips I mean weekend getaways to my Mom's}. Sure we could save all of that money and quit living for a while in order to accomplish this battle but I'm already miserable trying to make these decisions so it doesn't seem fair that I give up any normal part of my life just to save $15 dollars here or $7.00 there.

My doctor tells me I'm running out of time. Everyone I meet tells me I have my whole life to have children. They don't understand the reason I'm running out of time. I'm 26 years old. Yep, I'm young. Yep, I have my whole life but each cycle I have monthly makes the Endometriosis grow more and more and I need to avoid that if at all possible otherwise I will be in the operating room awaiting a hysterectomy. 

Lately I feel like I'm not on the same page as our friends. I feel like we've made choices to move forward in our life and yet we are standing still. I feel like everyone around us is running circles and we are stuck in a rut. It's frustrating. It's frustrating that those people just don't understand. I'm grateful they don't because I wouldn't wish this on anyone but it's hard to know that they are able to keep plugging along, living life, not having to make life changing decisions and here I am, confused, mad, sad some days & more frustrated than ever.