Week #3

Hot flashes aren't my thing so I've discovered. Mood swings aren't either. This past week my hot flashes were insane. I felt like I had 400 a day. They come and go and I'm so thankful for that but they are a pain. I had a few night sweats last week also. I woke up sweating like crazy and had no blankets on and a t-shirt and p.j. shorts. I wasn't excited about those but I'm glad they only lasted a minute or so.....

Mood swings have been a pain. I was feeling down and depressed and now I'm feeling annoyed of everything and everyone. I think my hubby gets the worst of it because he's with me everyday. I feel bad but it's really hard to control your emotions when it's the medicine doing the talking. I try really hard to think before I speak but lately I've been flat out mean sometimes. Poor guy! I owe him big time for putting up with my cranky butt. I've also noticed I have the "I'm over it" attitude. I do nice things for people & feel like they take advantage of that. Maybe I'm just noticing these small things more than I usually do because I really enjoy making people happy. Lately I feel like I give and give and want everyone to be happy and know that they are cared about and then when it comes down to it nobody is there for me....

Dang mood swings anyway. I have to go back in for another shot on the 7th. I feel ok about it for now. I've been extremely lucky and haven't even needed the add back pill which helps with the hot flashes and things like that. Maybe I should take it but I hate medicine anyway so I will probably stay away from it for now. If I get unbearable with myself then I'll take it. I'm hoping this medicine is working though. I hope my body is enjoying the break. I had some light spotting last week and that was kind of a pain but nothing major. Next month my menstrual cycle should completely stop and then my body can really get the break it needs. I hope the next 6 months are worth it in the end....time will tell but if I'm doing this for nothing, just to be opened up again next year and have more surgery then I'm not going to be a happy camper. I'm sure of that!

Week #2 of Lupron

Going on week #2 of the Lupron shot. I've been feeling pretty good actually. I have had a few minor headaches, some dizzy spells and a not so great appetite but other than that I'm feeling ok. This weekend has been rough though. I feel like I'm headed back in to depression mode. Nothing fits me, every picture I took all weekend was ridiculous, I'm white as a ghost and I'm mad at the world. I hate that feeling! It's super frustrating when you know that those things aren't true and yet you can't control it.

I've heard myself snap at people for no reason....I hate doing that. I don't like feeling like I can't control my emotions. I don't like being hard on myself and the last time I took birth control this is exactly how I felt. So I guess we shall see. I'm taking it one day at a time but I sure hope this is a minor side effect and not a long lasting side effect because if I have to feel like this everyday I will be one very unhappy person for 6 months {literally} and we don't want that! Thank God for my friends and family. That's all!

Round #1 of Meds

I went to the doctor last week. I had lots of questions and was at a loss about what I should do. I started reading about the Lurpon that she wanted me to take and it scared me off. Completely scared me off....The side effects I read about were awful. So horrible I quit reading. I'm a tough girl and can handle the normal headaches, cramping, nausea etc..but the things I read about were memory loss, blurred vision, random acts of violence {ok that's made up but it might as well have said that lol}. Durastic mood changes, depression {which already runs my family}. So I went to the doctor and basically asked what my options were. Her answer was this....
1. Take the Lupron
2. Get a hysterectomy

Ok, so I guess I don't have many options. I then asked her what stage of Endo I was in and she said their are 4 stages and although she doesn't like to use the stages, stage 4 is the worst and I'm beyond that stage. Perfect! Just what I wanted to hear. She asked me to come over to her computer so she could explain the picture of my insides to me one more time {apparently I wasn't coherent the day of my surgery and remember very little about her explanation...go figure}. So she started explaining. My ovaries, fallopian tubes, bowels and all of that lovely junk were glued to my Uterus. You can't see an ending or a beginning to my Uterus...just Endometriosis. That's all. After seeing that picture it made up my mind quick. My doctor said, "If I told you that you had cancer would you take the meds to get better no matter what??" Of course I would, that was a given and her answer to that was, "Well I'm telling you that this is your only option before this gets even worse and you have to have a hysterectomy or start having other problems with your bowels and what not."

Decision made. Give me the shot and I'll deal with the side effects as they come. So in came the nurse with the shot that she had to give to me in my hip {more like my butt but she said hip}. I'm not a fan but hey I'll do what I gotta do. She warned me the side effects probably wouldn't be pleasant and I would start feeling them within 24 hours. Great...just in time for my weekend.

Well I'm happy to report the only side effect I've had for 5 days now has been a slight headache through out each day, slight nausea when I don't eat 3 meals a day or I go a long period without eating and a few hot flashes here and there. This medicine will put my body into menopause to stop my menstrual cycles and help clear up any other Endo that might be lingering in my body. Since I haven't been able to get pregnant I'm guessing there's still a large amount lingering around in there. I asked the doctor how I would know if it's working...she said you will hopefully be pain free. I don't even know what pain free means. I don't know what's normal and whats abnormal pain. Honestly...the pain I feel every month is normal to me. I deal with it and move on. It's a pain but it is what it is right? So we shall see. She said after I take 6 rounds of this medication {6 months} I will need to start trying to get pregnant and if I am unsuccessful after 6 months of trying then she will need to go back in and do another surgery. Just what I wanted to hear......NOT! So let's cross our fingers that the next 6 months are filled with no side effects other than a minor headache every now and then and a clean bill of health.....

Nutrition

The hubster and I were at Barnes & Noble last night grabbing a book for his Oma {Grandma} to fill out about her life. Anyway, I happened to ask the clerk if she had any books on Endo and to my surprise she did. It wasn't to much of a surprise...that store has every book imaginable but I flipped through the book in a hurry and seen a chapter on diet. It rambled on about how your diet can be a huge part of your Endometriosis. Huh...who woulda thunk? So since the hubby has worked long hours this week he's fast asleep on the couch at 10:00 p.m. I remember when we were just getting to a movie at 10:00 p.m. not to long ago when we were dating. Now I'm upstairs blogging and scrapbooking and he's asleep. What exciting lives we live! I'm content and that's all that matters!

So diet it is. I failed to mention in the midst of the last couple months I've gained 5 pounds. Something I'm NOT very happy about. I hate gaining weight. It puts me in the worst funk ever and from what I've read, Endo can cause weight gain. GREAT! I'm almost positive the weight I have gained is from stress. I've been eating really healthy. Lots of fruit and small portions when I do eat but that 5 pounds seems to be lingering. Time to get my butt in gear. I started researching diet with Endometriosis and found that I should pretty much become a vegetarian. That's not going to happen....I'm not gonna lie, I love chicken. I could eat it everyday. I love bread and I love pasta and I love greasy hamburgers once every 6 months. So I'm on to search for a not so restricted diet. I'm sure just changing my eating habits will help. I need to cut out breads and probably that iced coffee I feel the need to buy at least twice or three times a week in the hot summer days.

Maybe this is my motivation for a healthier lifestyle and maybe, just maybe if I'm lucky my husband will play along.

Life Before Surgery

When I found out that I may have to have surgery I was kind upset but so glad that someone had actually found the problem. Like I've said, I realize there are bigger issues in the world. Thank God I don't have something life threatening and I feel for those people who do have life threatening illnesses. I honestly can't imagine going through treatments and keeping a positive outlook on life. It amazes me to hear survival stories and to watch people I've cared about go through those horrible things. But to want something and not be able to have it is also life changing. It's frustrating. It's a let down....To hear a doctor say, "Your probably going to struggle with infertility so be prepared," is kind of hard on the heart.

My feelings were pretty up and down about the whole situation and I began to distance myself from my husband in the beginning. I remember thinking that maybe this was a sign that not being pregnant was a blessing in disguise, that I had bigger dreams to take care of in life before I had a family. I remember feeling like I needed to just run away somewhere far & be all by myself for the duration of life. Silly thoughts I know but that's how I felt. I really felt that this was a sign for the reasons I couldn't ever get pregnant before all of this came about. I have a lot I want to do in my life and for me this was the BIG FLASHING LIGHTS that I needed to do those things.

I went with my very best friend to Texas to visit our other very best friend. We had tons of fun. We went out, we partied, we met new friends, we shopped, we laughed...it was a much needed break. I loved being there with the two of them because I can always just be myself around them. I don't have to hide my feelings, I don't have to explain things to them, they just understand and sometimes they don't ask questions and that's ok. Sometimes they just know that I need a good laugh. I love having friends like that. Texas was great and I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to go back to reality. I didn't want to deal with life's real issues at the moment.....but I did.

After that, I had my surgery and having my husband care enough to be at my surgery really made me happy {like I said before, he's not emotional at all and takes a lot of pride in being at work. He hasn't called in sick once in like 7 or 8 years}. After surgery we just became closer. It's weird how things work out but I felt calm that this was the life I chose and even though people have their ups and downs it doesn't mean that you should run every time there is a down. Part of marriage is working on the marriage all the time. I guess in the midst of my issues I forgot that and was being pretty selfish. I can still conquer my dreams being in the situation that I'm in. Unfortunately now I have more thing to conquer and that's ok with me. It's a challenge and this girl always loves a good challenge. Things were great & I was more than happy with that. He's all for going through this roller coaster with me and although he doesn't always say what I need to hear....he's learning. Ha Ha He's truly a huge sweetheart and I love him so much!

Decisions, Decisions.....

Week 2 after my surgery was a little better. I had no energy, I didn't want to leave the house because nothing fit me due to my swelling. I was trying to do to much and would then pay for it later on. Easter was around the corner and my Mom came to help out and fix dinner for the hubby and I. She's so sweet...she took me to Target and I attempted to walk around that store. Not such a great idea. I hurt worse in the morning. It took me a good 4 weeks to start feeling somewhat normal. My husband is amazing and wouldn't let me do much around the house. I was warned that vacuuming was the worst. I have the greatest friends that brought me dinner and offered to do anything they could to help. I'm truly blessed in life! Those 6 weeks off of work were probably much needed. I got so tired just by walking or attempting to fix dinner. My body was so not use to that. I'm such an active person that sitting in bed actually drove me crazy.


I went back to work the end of May and can I just tell you that I missed my job and my co-workers. I love where I work. It's an office job and I work for a city nearby my house. I deal with criminals on a daily basis and LOVE it. Ok..when I say criminals I don't mean murderers. I mean those people that occasionally speed or beat their wives. Those kind of criminals and I wouldn't really classify "speeders" as criminals because I speed all the time. I've just never been caught...knock on wood. {Back to the story} I was so excited to be back at work. It was tough to work those 10 hour days with no break [meaning no nap or soap opera time} but I have the best co-workers on the planet and everyone was so quick to help me out. I'm grateful for my job.


My husband and I decided to try to get pregnant. This is something I kept very private for the simple fact that I didn't want to share my let down with everyone and EVERYWHERE I looked there was someone having a baby. Our friends were having babies or pregnant. I mean literally there were pregnant people everywhere. I'm sure I was just more aware because I knew it would probably still be difficult for us but this was just something I kept private. I am glad to tell someone details if they ask but in my opinion if people don't ask whats going on in your life then usually they either A. think it's none of their business or B. don't really give a damn about what your going through. I have very close friends who never bothered to ask what was going on after the surgery. Maybe they thought that was it and I was better but little did they know I had a huge struggle ahead of me. I'm also not one to call someone up and cry about my personal life. I don't like to burden other people so unless you don't ask, you won't get details. I should work on that or maybe that's just who I am. Either way I am blogging about it now and this is so much easier then trying to get other people to understand the frustration I have right now. 

So we tried. We tried for about 2 1/2 months. No luck. I was let down everytime and dealt with it in my own way. I don't like to show people I'm weak so I dealt with this particular situation in my own way. Sometimes I would go for a drive at night with the windows down and the radio up and I would cry. Sometimes I would eat ice cream, sometimes I would take my nephew for the day and have some fun or go visit my  niece who is 2 and I adore her, sometimes I would vent to my husband and sometimes I just kept quiet. In the beginning I was an emotional wreck. I wanted to cry all of the time but as the weeks went on I got over that and just looked at this whole thing as a test. I'm not a super religious person. In fact, I don't attend church at all unless I'm visiting my BFF in Texas. So maybe once every six months. To me this was a test...everybody around me was able to get prego with a drop of a hat but me. I had challenges to face and it drove me crazy when people would say, "What are you waiting for? Come on, everybody has babies but you...." Really did you just say that to my face?? You know I just had major surgery...maybe you should ask what's going on rather than just assuming it's as easy for me as it is for everyone else. There's a BIG difference in being nosey and being interested in ones life to be a friend and be supportive.

After being let down for those 2 1/2 months I knew I had bigger issues that I needed to deal with and began researching the Lupron drug. The side effects literally scared the hell out of me. I started reading forums of people who actually took the drug and there was very little positive to say. Then I started wondering about insemination and other options I could look in to. Infertility is NOT covered by my insurance, actually let me rephrase that. It's covered up to 50% but the things I may need to have done are NOT covered. Awesome. It will be all out of pocket and it's not cheap to have a baby that's for sure. I finally called a Reproductive Care office and asked a few questions. They were helpful but of course it's all about money up front. Long story short we are going to get my husband "checked out" if you know what I mean. He's not thrilled but it will put my mind at ease that there's not something wrong with the both of us. I then made a doctor appointment to talk to my doctor about other options. Turns out I don't have many options!

{Struggles}

I had my surgery on April 11th. Going in I was terrified but tried very hard to just be tough. My Mom was planning on coming with me and I had told my hubby to go to work because there was nothing he could do but wait at the hospital. So on April 11th I woke up to get ready. My husband woke up to get ready for work and the first words out of his mouth were, "I can't go to work. I have to go with you." Sweetest thing ever...I didn't let him see me tear up but it calmed me to hear him say that {if you know my husband you know he has very LITTLE emotion so this must have been eating away at him all night}. Anyway, I grabbed my blanket and off we went {yes my blanket. I needed something from home to keep me sain for the day}.

My Mom use to work at the hospital where I was having my surgery so she knew the nurses and medical assistants and that made it easier. Everybody I met was amazing. Super nice, tried to make me feel comfortable. The guy who put in my i.v. rocked. He was my favorite and I was bummed he couldn't come to surgery with me. He made jokes the whole time and made things easy. What a relief. They wheeled me off to surgery & gave me those awesome meds that knock you out. I woke up and I don't remember seeing anyone but I remember asking my hubby if I could go home now? He said, "No they had to cut you open. I'm sorry." I was in tears but quickly fell asleep. I knew that wasn't a good thing. After a while...maybe it was a few minutes, I really don't know but they wheeled me to my room. In honor of my lovely drugs I guess I asked the nurse if I could have a room with a view of the pool. She laughed I'm sure. I remember my husband telling me that I couldn't have a room with a view of the pool because there aren't pools at hospitals but that I could have a room with a view of the mountains. I was not happy about that.

I don't remember to much about my hospital visit. The meds were awful. I hate taking meds and refused to take anything for the pain on the second day. I decided I'm not a fan of hospitals. The beds are uncomfortable and I had the most obnoxious medical assistant every night. He would come in and flip on the light as if it wasn't 1:00 a.m. His voice made me want to scream. I'm sure in "real life" he's a great person but at the end of the day I wanted to be left alone. My Dad came to the hospital every day. He was there every morning and stayed all day until someone else showed up. My little sister was also great and hung out. I don't know what I would have done without my Dad there. He is a man of few words but that was his way of showing he cared and it meant so much to me. My husband unfortunately works construction and doesn't get paid for his days off so it was hard for him to be with me 24/7. I wasn't mad, I was just glad my Dad was there. My Mom had to go back to work but I'm so thankful she was with me when I went into the hospital. She's my rock and one of my best friends. She calms me and makes me feel better. I'm so blessed to have amazing parents.

The doctor came in and gave me this God awful picture of my insides. She told me that when she went in for the simple procedure through my belly button she seen so much Endometriosis that it was impossible for her to treat me that way. Therefore she cut me open in three separate places. My ovaries, fallopian tubes, bowels and other organs were basically glued to my Uterus. She told me that my insides looked like that of a Cancer patient. Lovely! She had to separate all of my girl parts and put in a membrane to separate everything. She told me I basically had three options. #1 birth control, #2 have a baby {or try some more} #3 Lupron {a drug that tricks your body into menopause for a short time}. The doctor also told me that if I am able to have children I will need to have them a year apart & eventually have a hysterectomy. So much information and I was so frustrated. I remember all of my friends came to visit me in the hospital and they were so kind and brought me the most beautiful flowers and treats but inside I just wanted everyone to leave so I could cry.

When your younger, in high school you don't think you will have to make these decisions. I was frustrated that I even had to go through this. I figured it would be a simple procedure & I would be out the door. Now I was looking at 6 weeks off of work and a healing process and decisions and frustrations and infertility and anger and all sorts of negative thoughts. I was not excited......The next few days in the hospital were so horrible. The staff was amazing but laying in bed and trying to get up to go to the restroom or take walks or anything was just exhausting. I wouldn't take the pain meds because they made me feel worse. Going home was the greatest day ever. I have never been so excited to be in my home and take a shower and eat real food and sleep in MY bed. My little sister took care of me for a couple of days. She rocks. My husband was amazing and cooked and cleaned and basically did everything for me because for once in my life I was on strict bed rest. Something I'm NOT a fan of by the way.

Those 6 weeks were so long. I started to enjoy my time off and started feeling better but it didn't make the negative go away. I would cry for no reason at all...or maybe I had my reasons and I just chose to ignore them. I had so many decisions to make and I didn't know what was right or wrong. Of course I want to be a Mom. I've always LOVED children and I would love to be a Mom someday but was now the time? My body went through a major surgery. Should I let it rest? I was at a loss and extremely frustrated.........

The Beginning....

For several years I've had the worst menstrual cycles. They are horrible, but I've learned to deal with the pain and was told by several doctors that as I got older they would get better or as I had children the pain would lessen. Well, I went with my gut instinct and found a doctor who would help diagnose me with an actual disease rather than the excuse of, "your young, it will get better with time." Frankly, that excuse made me angry. I knew my body, I knew that what I felt every month wasn't normal at all. In January of 2011 I went in for my yearly check up. Something I don't look forward to but was bound and determined to get answers. I explained my pain and what not and she immediately suggested birth control. For a year and half my hubby and I had not been "trying" to have a child but would welcome the surprise if it came along. By not "trying" I mean I wasn't calculating my ovulating and all of that exciting stuff but for a year and a half no baby. The doctor I went to a year prior put me on birth control. The Nuva Ring to be exact. What a joke....It was the lowest dose of hormones she could give me and I hated it. I hated my life, I wanted to divorce my husband, I was moody, my family irritated me, my friends drove me crazy and to top it off I felt like I could harm myself or someone else. When I called the doctor a month into this horrid birth control she explained that it had only been a month and I should keep taking it to "give it a chance." Um...give it a chance? If I give it a chance you will probably end up with a law suit because I might do something harmful to someone. Needless to say, I took the Nuva Ring out myself and was back to normal in no time.

Ok back to January 2011. After I told the doctor NO to birth control she suggested we do an ultra sound. I was ecstatic. As weird as that sounds I knew something was wrong and this might be the answer. Ultra sound #1 showed 3 cysts. One rather large and the other two somewhat large. The doctor gave me some options but wanted me to wait a few weeks to see if the cysts would heal themselves. 6 weeks passed and I went in for ultra sound #2....cysts were still there. The larger one was even bigger but the 2 smaller ones looked as if they were decreasing in size. This could be the answer to my pain. Thank God!!! I wait another 4 to 5 weeks and we did ultra sound #3. The larger cyst had finally decreased in size and the other 2 were barely visible. The doctor gave me a couple options. She said that the larger cyst was now decreasing in size but that didn't mean it wasn't harming my body. She thought maybe it was an Endometriomen Cyst and those don't just go away. They are also associated with Endometriosis. The only problem with all of this is that in order to actually be diagnosed with Endometriosis, you have to do surgery. The doctor makes an incision through your belly button and goes in with a camera to check things out.

So my options were again, birth control to try and help the painful menstrual cycles and to possibly cure the lingering cysts I had or we could do the surgery. After much consideration I decided on the surgery. It was an in and out procedure and the doctor was 70% sure that she could get the cysts laparoscopically which meant I would be in and out of the hospital. Mind you, I've never had surgery so this was a hard decision for me but at this point I would do anything to help my body. Before the surgery I agreed with the doctor to cut me open if for any reason things were worse than she thought. That's where the fun begins.....