The crazy lady!

I’m having one of those weeks where I feel angry towards everyone. I think I’ve snapped several times at co-workers, my hubby, family, friends etc….My filter this week is nowhere to be found and it’s pretty frustrating. I’m happy, I’m enjoying the holiday season and can’t wait for the next few weeks but I feel like everyone is intentionally trying to make me angry. Obviously I know this isn’t true but wow I really miss my filter some days. I get super irritated at work by certain people. Mostly by people who call in for information on their fines, due dates, excuses to warrants and so on. I actually had a lady tell me the other day that her children wouldn’t be getting Christmas because of the $55 no registration citation she received because of me. Really? I’m pretty sure I’m not an officer and I didn’t write your citation. I also had an attorney who was incredibly rude and sarcastic. I tried to be professional but it was so hard for me not to tell him where to go and how to get there.

I overreact 90% of the time I’m sure of this and I think my hubby wants to choke me lately because I vent to him a lot. I wish I didn’t feel like this. It might drive me crazy literally. I hate getting snappy with people for no reason. Things that would never bother me before are really bothering me lately. Doesn’t everyone know I’m on a medication that causes me to have no filter and therefore everyone should cater to me? Ok that’s a big fat joke. I realize I don’t have, “I’M ON MEDICATION THAT MAKES ME A CRAZY PERSON AND I WILL BITE YOUR HEAD OFF AT ANYTIME IF YOU DON’T TREAT ME OVERLY NICE,” written on my forehead so I don’t expect people to understand but I’m sure glad I have one more month of this craziness and I will be finished with these shots. {Apologies in advance for those of you who have been on the not so nice end of the stick with me}

On a better note, I’m happy. Is that weird? I’m happy and irritated all at the same time. Ohhh lord help me if this how I feel when I’m really going into menopause. Happiness is a good thing. We went to St. George to visit family for the Thanksgiving holiday and it was a nice break for me. My hubby was by my side and not hunting so that was a bonus. I got to spend time with nieces and nephews and enjoy some amazing food that my Mom cooked. I shopped, got some super cute boots for $30. So stoked about that! Jake and I came home on Saturday and we put up our Christmas décor on Sunday. I can’t wait for the holiday festivities this year. We have lots of fun things planned. It’s going to be a good month even though I’m irritated with peeps a lot of the time. J

Next week Jake and I are going to a free seminar with a doctor we found. I don’t know what to expect but I sure hope this is a doctor I feel comfortable going to and comfortable spending my money on. 2012 is bound to be expensive and therefore I need a doctor that I feel confident in. Once my cycle is back to the norm and I start ovulating I will do artificial insemination. I don’t know what to expect. It makes me anxious not knowing the unknown. Will it work? Am I wasting time and money? Will the doctor be on my side or just want me to spend money? All I can do for now is take it day by day and hope for the best.

Living & Enjoying

My mood has been rather relaxed this month and I kind of like it. I don't know if it's the meds or what but I'm in the "live day to day" mode and I'm enjoying it to the fullest. I like to plan things, I like to plan life, I like to plan my weekend, my week and although I've been trying to plan some season gatherings with friends and what not, I've kind of just been doing my own thing. It's been nice not worrying about small details to my day to day life. I haven't been doing much but hanging around the house, Christmas shopping, doing things I enjoy etc...

I've been asked to do a lot of fun things with different people and sometimes I take them up on their offers and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I don't have the answer as to why I'm in a funk. Sometimes I like just being alone, not worrying about anyone besides me. Sometimes I want to ask those people, "why don't you know what's going on in my life? You assume I just don't want to hang out but you have no idea what I've really been going through because you don't ask." People deal with things differently. I'm sorry if I don't get excited to go out and party like a rockstar right now. I'm just not in that mode. I'm in a different spot in life. That's ok with me.

Why do people feel weird asking what's going on Jake & I's life? This is our life. We are dealing with it the only way we know how. We don't need the pitty parties, we don't need the constant attention, we don't need anyone to ask on a daily basis but sometimes it's nice to get a random text from someone close to us, family or friends that says..."Hey how's everything? How are your shots? How are you feeling? Do you need anything? What's next?" Instead it's like it's some big secret that I have FERTILITY issues. It's not a secret. It's part of my life and we are dealing the best way we know how.

You don't know how it feels somedays if you've never been through it but it's tough. Dealing with it and dwelling on it are two different things. I'll admit I have dwelled on the subject a few times. It's hard not to somedays. It's not always the subject of my conversations but it's ALWAYS in the back of my mind. What's next? What do I do from here? How much is this process going to cost me? What does 2012 have in store for us? Can I do it emotionally? These questions are constant reminders that life just isn't normal right now.

Thank God for Jake. He's my rock. My best friend. He's become one of the very few I know I can count on. One of the very few who actually really cares what's going on my life. I'm thankful for my family and friends but I don't really know what I would do without Jake. He's amazing! There's my ramble for the day.

I guess I have mixed emotions about people's intentions. I know people mean well but show it once in a while. It's not a secret. This is our life. This is the way we are living for the time being. Is it a constant subject around our house? No! We live normally, we eat dinner together EVERY NIGHT at the dinner table just the two of us and talk about our day. We laugh, we have fun, we go out. It's not a constant subject but it's always there. It won't go away and so for now this is what we are going through. I'm not my spunky, crazy, loud self because I'm going through life changing stuff. Big deal. I'm still me. I'm still here. I'm happy, I know this is all for a purpose, I know good things will come out of this. It's all ok.

I like having that attitude. It makes my life easier that's for sure. I like living the day to day and not planning 6 months in advance. This is our life and for now I'm content with what it is....because at the end of the day, it really is just what it is.  

PS-This week I'm so, so, soooo thankful for my insurance. These awesome shots I get monthly are well over $1,200 a month. For 6 months worth that's $7,200. Whoa! Granted I wouldn't have to pay that BUT I would have to pay a portion. Since I had my surgery I reached my deductible and my shots are basically FREE to me. I don't have to pay a dime. Well I guess I'm paying my hospital bill but it's so minimal that I can't complain at all really. I'm so blessed to have an amazing job with great benefits. So blessed!!

Feeling Great....

I have awesome friends.

Who knew all I needed was a girl's night out to remind me that I'm still me.

Somewhere inside my crazy brain...I'm still the same girl I was last year before I knew this crazy journey would begin.

Yep I'm still crazy, fun, outgoing me.

Thank you for finding your way back to me Mr. brain.

I was beginning to think this Endo crap would make me crazy.

It's not! Life is good. Everything will work out the way it's suppose to.

& I had one fun night with these fun girl's.

Shot #5! 1 more after this and I'm DONE!

Got shot #5….one more to go and I’m DONE. I’m ecstatic really. I can’t wait. I literally dread going into the doc for these shots. They don’t hurt, I just know the side effects worsen each month in certain ways. I can’t believe it’s almost been 6 months. Time does fly that’s for sure. The other night I was thinking about what’s next for me and my body and it dawned on me that I really don’t have any other options. I HAVE to get pregnant if I want kiddos of my own and I HAVE to do whatever it takes to get there. Then I started thinking what if it doesn’t happen? When will I know I’ve tried enough and come to the conclusion my body just won’t let it happen? I hate thinking like that but I have to prepare myself for the worst and just hope for the best. The doc told me that once my cycle is normal again and I begin ovulating, the best option for me right now would be to do insemination. Insemination isn’t as costly as IVF but I need to do it through an actual fertility doctor and it’s probably going to be more expensive. So on top of Christmas we are also saving money for whatever life brings us in the 2012 year. I have a feeling it will be a very expensive year for us but I’m crossing my fingers and toes and eyes that things will just happen without much effort or $.

I feel better about everything this month. I’m really going to enjoy the holidays with family and friends. I can’t wait to go see the lights at Temple Square with our friends. We planned to do that last year and we never did. This year we will go and make it a point to go. I can’t wait. I’m excited for Thanksgiving at my Mama’s house. Love her cooking. I’m excited to spend Christmas Eve with Jake’s family like we do every year. It’s a house full of complete chaos and I love every second of it. I’m also going to enjoy these next two months without any menstrual cycle. J I can’t change what’s going on with my body. I can only hope that things will be easier than I have in mind. It is what it is….That’s life!

Being Thankful In November!

It's almost that time again. The HOLIDAY SEASON. I'm bound to enjoy it this year. I usually stress myself out to no extent and then end up patiently waiting for the holidays to pass. This year will be different. This year I will finish my shopping early, get my "homemade" gifts wrapped up for the neighbors and co-workers & enjoy time with family and friends. Ok, the shopping part might not happen but it's a pretty nice thought. November reminds me of everything I'm thankful for. I have a pretty great life and can't complain much. My health isn't what I wish it was but I'm healthy if that makes sense. I can walk, talk, smell, touch, hear....that makes me lucky. In my eyes anyway. I MIGHT not be able to have babies the normal everyday way but that doesn't change me or what I have in life now. It just makes me more grateful for life! 

I'm near the end of Shot #4 with the Lupron. This shot has been pretty difficult I would say. Everything was going great and then I started spotting and then I started what I thought was my monthly cycle. The first thing that popped into my head was, "There's no way I've gone through hell and back with this shot for it to stop working now. No way. Please keep working." So I stressed about it for a couple of days and then came to the conclusion that if this was it then at least maybe it worked for 4 months. Maybe that's my body telling me it's done being put through it's trials. Sounds weird I know but that's the way I have to look at it. Well, I spoke with the doc and she was pleasantly positive this time around which in turn made me feel positive again.

She basically told me that the bleeding was probably a normal thing because my bodies hormones are not what they should be and it's my body telling me it needs those things. It's lacking those things and is in need of those things. She said it happens when people have been on the shot for a long period of time and she wasn't to worried about it. She also thinks my body is stressed and that could be contributing to the bleeding. She told me to relax. She agrees when I tell her I will exhaust ALL options before doing IVF but she did say that insemination might be a great idea in our case. That gave me hope that I might be able to have babies a somewhat "normal" way.

So two more shots and then I'm done with this dreaded medication. I am counting down the days and hope that I will be able to enjoy the holidays. That's all for now. Happy Wednesday!